


Recalling the Future

by cinderspenguin



Category: Avengers (Comics), Supernatural, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Attempted Suicide, Cheating, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Jealous Dean Winchester, Jealous Steve Rogers, Mentions of miscarriage, Miscarriage, References to Depression, References to attempted suicide, Regrets, Slight cannon deviation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:53:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 35,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28515987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinderspenguin/pseuds/cinderspenguin
Summary: “Fine, but if you’re not back in a couple of days I’ll come meet up with you.” Steve leans in kissing you on the forehead.“Fine,” Smiling at him, you agree, you didn’t expect any less. You curl back into him. You let yourself fall into a deep sleep. In the morning you were going back home, to Lebanon Kansas, and to him.
Relationships: Dean Winchester x Reader, Dean Winchester/Reader, Dean Winchester/You, Past Cas/Reader, Past Dean Winchester/Reader, Steve Rogers & Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader
Comments: 32
Kudos: 27





	1. Coming Home

**Author's Note:**

> Tags will update as the story does.

Steve is looking at you, unsure of what to say. Unsure if his hearing is betraying him. “You are not joking, are you?”

“No, Steve, I’m not, I did have a life before I came to work here.”

“I know that.” He is slightly annoyed by your tone. He is just apprehensive of your past, a past he knows very little about. There is no trace of your life before you came to work at the compound a year ago. He knows there was a guy in your past. He knew that much and now you are going to help him, with something dangerous. “I just thought it was something simple, something NORMAL.”

“Steve, I don’t think anyone who works here can say that they ever had a normal life. It seems almost like a prerequisite to work here.” You shoot back. “My experiences before I came here, they prepared me for this job…this life…for you.” You add trying to change the subject.

It seems to be working as Steve pulls you into him. “You just deserve so much more than this kind of life.”

“I deserve to be with you…I don’t regret what brought me here.” You rebut, snuggling into his embrace. “But I can’t turn my back on them. They are my family.”

“I guess I understand that.” Steve recants. Thinking of how the Avengers have become his family. “But I don’t want you to go alone.”

“Steve, I can’t ask…"

“You don’t have to.” Interrupting you before you can say no. “I can’t let my best girl face this alone. If something were to happen to you…if I wasn’t there to try to stop it…” He can’t finish the sentence. His mind recalling all the loss he has already experienced in his long life.

“Steve, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. Besides you need to be here.” Steve wants to protest, but he knows she is right. With the recent fallout here in the tower from after Tony creating Ultron, the team is on edge. They all seem to be looking to him to lead the group now.

“Fine, but if you’re not back in a couple of days; I’ll come meet up with you.” Steve leans in kissing you on the forehead.

“Fine,” Smiling at him, you agree, you didn’t expect any less. You curl back into him. You let yourself fall into a deep sleep. In the morning you were going back home, to Lebanon Kansas, and to him.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

When you pull up to the bunker you stay in your car. You can’t even begin to process the feeling of being back here after all this time. Seeing Dean again. It is going to hurt, but after what happened between the two of you, you needed the space. You needed space from him and the pain of what happened.

After a few more moments you hear a knock on the window causing you to jump. You look over to see Cas standing there, his head tipped to the side. As he steps away from the door you open it getting out.

“Hello Y/N.”

“Cas…” You wrap your arms around him. Pulling him in for a hug. “How bad is it?”

“The Winchesters have released a most ancient evil. God's sister, Amara.”

“Wait…a sister. Chuck has a sister.” You fall against the car. Just when you think you have heard all the crazy things this world has to offer. “Chuck…is he still MIA?”

“Yes.” Cas’ voice drops slightly. “Dean blames himself.”

“Of course he does.” You can’t help the smile. Dean is the one who always takes the world onto his shoulders, just like Steve does. But in Dean’s case, it is a bit more literal. “Where is he?” You ask heading to the bunker.

“Not in there.” You stop turning to Cas.

“He’s at the bar in town. Has been since this afternoon.”

“Cas…is it that bad?”

“He misses you.”

“Cas…I just couldn’t.”

“I know…and you know. But he, he doesn’t understand. He blames himself. He feels like he should have been there. He feels like he should have been able to keep the two of your safe. He sees what happened as a failure. His failure.”

“Cas, I was the one who screwed up. I snuck out. I went after the Metatron. I chose to do that to try to help you. What happened is on me.”

“Y/N…You did that to help me. And I appreciate that, but…” 

“Cas, I didn’t come here to rehash old issues.” You take a deep breath. “I’m going to talk to Dean. You can come or you can stay here.” You cut him off, getting back into your car. You wait for a moment, not seeing him moving you put your window down. You arch an eyebrow at Cas. “I don’t think my presence will be helpful, he is still angry with me.” You nod not questioning it. You know that the relationship between Cas and Dean is always wavering. “I’ll be back in a bit. Hopefully with a very stubborn Winchester.” You roll the window back up and pull away.

You pull up to the bar next to the Impala. It is dark now and the place is getting busy. You can hear the music from the parking lot. You look down at what you are wearing and chastise yourself for not changing. You have on skinny jeans and a spaghetti strap tank top with a sheer shirt over top. You look a little too ‘come and get me’ for a bar like this. You shrug it off, figuring at least you have the boots for a honky-tonk bar.

You walk over to the doors, the gravel from the lot crunching under your feet. Once inside you quickly scan the room looking for Dean but don’t see him. You know he’s here because of Baby in the parking lot, so you settle up to the bar and order a drink.

Within seconds of getting your drink a tall handsome cowboy steps up next to you. “You don’t come here often, do you?”

You smile at this. “Wow…tell me you didn’t practice that line.” Sarcasm dripping from your lips.

The man smiles back. “Oh no, I have better ones, but I am saving them for later.” He quips.

You are about to tell the man that you have to decline the company, but pause when you feel an arm slide around your waist. You are about to turn and punch this new guy’s lights out but then he speaks. “Sorry man. This one is already spoken for.” Dean’s voice coming from behind you.

“Hey man, sorry I didn’t…” The man excuses himself and Dean moves into his spot at the bar.

“I hear you have a problem.” You say to Dean.

“Don’t I always?” Dean grumbles his smile instantly dropping. “Is that why you’re here? Because I have a problem?”

“Sam called.” You reply simply.

“Did he tell you?”

“Not him…Cas.”

“Cas???” Dean pauses for a moment. That is another problem he needs to fix. “It doesn’t matter.” Dean lowers his voice. “We need to focus on Amara, Cas didn't get himself in this mess I did.”

“Dean…” Your disappointment in his dismissal of Cas’s desire to help clear. Sure Cas made mistakes before, but he always did so with the best of intentions, just like Dean has. That is why he took on the Mark of Cain. It is also what lead to you making mistakes of your own, and ultimately leaving.

“Come on, let’s dance.” He says pulling you up from the stool and to the dance floor. He pulls you in dancing with you against him. The feeling of being in his arms allowing you to relax. You rest a head on his shoulder. Your mind fighting to forget all the issues the Winchesters have on their plate. You also try to forget that Dean will eventually need to know that you are dating someone new. They both will need to know this, eventually. But for tonight you just want to get Dean back on track.

“I forgot how good of a dancer you are.” You whisper against his chest.

“I bet you remember how good I am at other things though.” Dean’s gravelly voice sounds heavenly in your ear.

Your body immediately reacting to the thoughts of the two of you. You feel a tingle between your legs. You quickly have to remind yourself that he is in the past. You have someone in your present and future. You want to tell him, but you can’t or won’t. If you were, to be honest with yourself, you can’t be sure as to which. Instead, you remain silent and pull him closer. Being in his arms again feels like home. And you’ve been gone a long time.

The song ends, and a new faster-paced one starts up. “Let’s get out of here,” Dean says into your ear. You feel a chill run down your spine. You nod. You can feel the old habits that you always have around Dean returning. You turn into a submissive personality, doing anything he asks. It started in missions. But as you spent more time with him, as your relationship turned from work to personal to intimate the level of uninhibited control, he has over you grew.

The two of you get into the Impala. You figure you can get your car later. He drives you back to the bunker. You remain silent staring out the window. Your mind screaming at you to tell him about Steve. You need to tell him that you can’t be with him, not in the way he wants you to be.

“Sammy…I’m home…with the company.” Dean’s voice markedly happier since you left the bar.

“Dean… we talked about bringing girls back…” Sam freezes when he reaches the war room. “Y/N…”

“Hey Sam…” you smile. “I came as fast as I could.”

Sam smiles. “I thought you weren’t going to be able to come. He sounded pretty against it.”

Your heart skips a beat. You can feel Dean’s eye boring into you. “He can be a little stubborn, just like someone else I know.” You look at Dean. Dean looks pissed. He grabs you by the arm and pulls you down the hall. Sam watches you go. You are struggling to keep up with Dean. The angle at which he is pulling you is making it hard for you to keep your footing.

“Well, that is going to be a fun time…” Sam mumbles to himself heading to his room for headphones. Either way, he does not want to hear THAT reunion.

Dean pushes you in his room slamming the door behind you. You back up, the back of your legs hitting the bed, so you sit. Dean moves to stand in front of you. His body towering over you making you feel even smaller. “Dean…” You start to say before he leans down his lips crashing into yours. Pushing you back onto the bed. You instinctively wrap your arms around him pulling him to you while deepening the kiss. You feel one of his hands running up then under your torso, pushing you into him. His lips leaving yours only for a moment. He moves you both up the bed before reclaiming your lips. The kiss is needy and passionate. You can feel him pouring all the emotions of the last year into the kiss.

You gently push him away. As much as you want him. As much as you want to be with him, you can’t. You are with Steve now. You can’t allow this to happen. As good as it feels it is not right. Dean looks at you, his face inches from yours, questioning.

“Dean…it’s been a long time.” You start to explain yourself when his lips start caressing your neck. You groan in frustration. The feeling of doing things to your core and your brain, tearing you in two different directions.

His hand is slowly moving up your shirt and massaging your breast. Your hips bucking up into him. Your body’s need overriding your mind. Within seconds you are pulling Dean’s shirt over his head. He tosses it aside before doing the same to yours. Your lips crashing back together. The few moments they were apart proving to be much too long.

Dean gyrates against your core. You can feel his erection through his jeans and yours, it is driving you crazy. Your hands move to unbuckle his jeans. You quickly reach inside rubbing his erection, eliciting a moan from him. He returns his lips to yours, the kiss is bruising and deep. His hands moving to remove your pants and underwear, seeking to expose you completely. He pulls your pants off, tossing them to the side turning to look at you. His eyes grazing over your body.

“Dean…” You whisper before he climbs back onto you. His lips and hands worshiping your flesh, kissing and caressing you before you feel him. His tip pushing against your entrance. You move to allow him access. His lips moving to capture yours once more before he enters you slowly. You moan softly, enjoying the feeling of you entering him. You can’t control the sounds escaping you as he moves inside you. The way your body takes him is heavenly, like it hasn’t been over a year since you have had him inside you.

“God…baby you feel so good.” He moans into your shoulder before biting down and increasing his speed. You can feel your body reacting to him. Your arousal becoming intense, the orgasm inside you slowly rising.

“Dean…fuck…just like that…” You cry out as he shifts slightly to hit that spot inside you. Your hips jutting up to meet his thrusts.

“Fuck…son…of…a…bitch…I can’t” Dean is moving fast now, pounding into you. Your body clenching around him as your orgasm approaches faster than you have ever experienced before…except.

“Dean…Oh GOD…” You cry out as your release rushes over you. His thrusts continue hard and sloppy, bringing you both into oblivion. Dean slows then stills, still hovering over you. His lips meeting yours in a soft sweet kiss before dropping to your side pulling you into him. You curl up onto his chest, taking a deep sigh.

“How long are you staying?” Dean asks, pressing a kiss on the top of your head.

“As long as it takes. I cleared my calendar with Tony, so.”

“Tony…is he…” Dean asks cautiously.

“Tony is…” You try to find the right words. “He’s my boss and friend.”

“And he didn’t want you to come?” Dean continues.

“No, he was okay; his exact words were. ‘We all have outside obligations.’”

“Is that what we are? What I am? An obligation.”

You turn in his arms, looking up at him. “NO…Dean…Tony is…well…he’s a smart ass.” You smirk knowing that Dean will appreciate that. “But you are my family.”

Dean pulls you closer to him, hugging your to his body. “You left me.”

“Dean…I couldn’t stay, not after what happened. After I lost…” You choke, unable to say the words.

“I lost her too you know.”

“I know…” You can feel the tears coming back. “I just couldn’t. When we began to drift. When you started to… and I ran to…” You don’t need to say the painful words. You know Dean knows what you are trying to say.

“Sweetheart. No. We both made mistakes after we lost her.” His hand lightly caressing the scar on your abdomen. “But we can get past it. Now that you are here, we can move forward.” Your heart sinks. You know that you have to tell him now. You just hope that he won’t hate you.

“Dean…” Your phone starts to ring The ringtone very familiar. The sound filling the room. Your eyes go wide. You scramble to get the phone, pushing away from Dean. You quickly answer.

“Hey.” You answer. Your voice soft and pleasant. You are trying desperately to hide the panic you are feeling.

“Hi ya, doll. Did you get there ok?” Steve asks you.

“Yeah. I got here fine. Sorry, I didn’t call. I just got distracted with getting caught up with everything.” You are trying to think of something to say to get him off the phone before Dean realizes who it is you are talking to.

“Are you okay, you sound…” Steve asks trying to place it. When he does, he becomes pissed. “Y/N, Are you alone?”

“No. I’m with Dean.” You say, not sure why he is asking.

“Dean…as in your EX-boyfriend?”

“Yeah… Steve look…I need to go. We haven’t had a chance to talk about…”

“Oh, I’m sure!” Steve’s voice is abrupt. You know he’s pissed. Your heart sinking. You can feel the tears starting to fall from your eyes. You know now that you fucked up, again. Actually, you knew that the moment you kissed Dean, but the consequences are becoming clear.

“Steve…” Your voice is breaking. “I have a lot more to deal with than I thought.” Dean sees you crying and moves closer, pulling you against him. He kisses you on the neck right below your ear. The same ear that your phone is against.

“Yeah…you sound really busy!” Steve is becoming angrier. Your heart turns to ice with fear.

“Steve…It’s…”

“I’m coming to get you! And we are going to talk…at the compound.” Steve says.

“Steve…wait!” The phone does dead. You look at it, throwing it across the room in anger. “DAMN IT.”

“So…Steve?” Dean asks.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” You say moving to get up. Dean pulls you into him. “Where are you going?”

“I need to clear my head Dean, I’m sorry. This…” You motion between the two of you. “shouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry.” You begin getting dressed.

“Y/N…Steve…is he?”

“Yes, Dean. We started dating a few months after I moved.” You climb across the bed to the other side, trying to locate your clothes in the darkroom. Dean grabs you by the waist pulling you into him.

“Apparently it’s not too serious or else you wouldn’t be here.” His mouth recapturing yours in a heated kiss. You kiss him back for a moment before pushing him away.

“Dean…” You sigh. You dropping down onto the bed next to him. “I care about you, I do…” Your hand goes to your stomach, resting over your shirt where your scar is hidden. “But since…Dean, shit between us got bad.”

“I know…but we can change that. Don’t I get a chance to change that?”

“And what about Cas?” You say. The words coming out before you can stop them.

“What about Cas?” Dean is very pissed at you for mentioning Cas.

“Did you ever think that maybe he might want to fix things too? He might want a second chance.”

“Y/N, He’s had a lot of chances. He keeps making the wrong choices.”

“I’m not talking about that.”

“He and you?”

“Remember when I told you I was cheating on you?” Dean’s eyes drop. He doesn’t want to remember. He had been cheating on you for a month. He wasn’t able to look at you without thinking about her. He tried to lose his grief in other women. When you admitted you were cheating too, he lost it. The two of you fought and you walked out. He hadn’t seen you since.

“You were cheating on me with Cas?” The disbelief in his voice cutting you. You spot your pants.

“Dean…this is all in the past. Can’t we just leave it there?”

“Oh, so you think that we can just what? Forget about it.”

“Not forget, but move on.” You sigh, pressing your hand against his face, cradling his jaw. “I…we hurt each other, but we need to move past that. I am here to help you.”

“I know how you can help me…” Dean's voice getting low. His hands sliding over your hips to your ribs. It is only then that you realize you are still partially naked.

“Dean…I can’t…” Your voice barley a whisper.

“You already did.” He reassures you, kissing you deeply again. This time pushing you onto the bed again. “Once…” His kiss and his hands massaging you in all the right places, driving you into submission. Dean pulls away from you, looking into your eyes.

He looks at you for permission. You hesitate but figure he is right. It's already done. You pull him into you kissing him softly. It is all the encouragement he needs. His hand moving over your stomach before moving between the two of you. His finger dipping inside of you rubbing you gently, pulling a purring groan from you.

“So when is he going to be here?” He asks you as you push your hips up into him.

“About 45 minutes, an hour at most.”

“Well, then I better move along.” Dean groans in frustration at not having more time with you. His fingers diving into you, moving quickly in and out of you. His efforts bringing your body to attention. Your inner walls already tightening in anticipation of more.

“Dean…Please…” You moan and he answers you with a few more thrusts of his fingers before removing them. You feel him lining up with you. He moves faster this time, with more urgency. In one thrust he is fully seated inside you. His eyes locking with yours as he enters you. You grab onto him pulling his lower body to you. You wrap your legs around his waist, pulling him deeper. “FUCK…DEAN…”

“I know sweetheart.” He waits a second before moving, thrusting slowly at first, but you begin thrusting up into him. He begins to move faster, slamming into you harder. Your nails digging into his back. The feeling driving him to fuck into you harder. “Fuck…God! You feel so fucking good.” Dean moans into you.

Suddenly, Dean rolls you over, pulling you over on top of him. You move with him so that you are on top sitting up. The new position allowing him to get even deeper inside you. “DEAN…FUCK!!!” You cry out. You are starting to lose control as you rut against him while he fucks up into you.

You can feel your walls starting to flutter around him. Your body shutters as your orgasm approaches. “Stay with me sweetheart…” Dean groans flipping you over again. You are putty in his arms. When you land on your back, he resumes pounding into you.

The bed is beginning to smack into the wall and your orgasm comes rushing through you like a tidal wave. “DEAN!!! GOD!!!! YEAS!!!!” You scream out. Dean continues thrusting into you. You can feel your over-sensitive body responding as yet another orgasm begins to rise in you. Your body is limp but continues reacting. The orgasm rising inside of you. You can feel Dean getting close to release. You lean up, biting into his shoulder, suckling, and biting. Your mouth leaving a deep mark. The sensation pushing Dean further along.

“Fuck…God I can’t…son of a bitch… just…. ah…. fuck…” Dean cries out as your orgasm squeezes him making him cum as well. “Y/N…CHRIST!”

“DEAN!!” You cry out at the same time. The two of you falling into a blissful release together. Dean collapses next to you, breathing heavy. “I…” You try to say, fighting to catch your breath.

“After that, you can’t tell me that we aren’t made for each other,” Dean says recovering his voice.

“Dean…sex was never our problem.” You answer softly. “I really need to get up and get dressed. Steve should be here any minute now." You tell Dean looking at the clock on his nightstand. As if on cue you hear a knock on the door.

Dean gets up, pulling on his robe that is conveniently hanging on the back of the door. Looking over his shoulder at you wh waits until you pull the sheet over you. Dean opens the door slightly, just enough to poke his head out.

“Dean…Y/N has someone here looking for her." Sam is sounding very nervous.

“Let me guess…Steve?” Dean replies in annoyance.

“Ummmm….” Sam is hesitating. You finish dressing, then push past Dean. Coming face to face with Sam standing in the doorway.

“Who’s with him?” You ask. Sam looks at you, then back to Dean. “No one that I saw.”

“Ok…Sam you might want to stay here or go to your room. This is going to get messy.”

Sam gives you bitchface, then replies. “Why didn’t you tell us you were dating Captain America?”

“You didn’t ask!” You snip back at Sam before heading to the main room. You hope to try to keep Steve from killing Dean.

You walk quickly down the hall. Steve is propped up against the war table, arms crossed in front of him. His chin is close to his chest, eyes studying the floor. You step into the room. “Steve…” You are about to start to explain, but he holds his hand up stopping you.

“Just tell me.” His eyes moving up to meet yours. “Do you love him?” There is pain there. Deep pain, and you know. You know that he knows something.

“No…I don’t. I used to…but not anymore. I love you, now.” You feel a tear slowly trailing down your cheek. You need to know. “If you know... if you know about Dean. Why are you still here?”

“Because you’re my best girl.” He says in a matter-of-fact tone. “You still are, aren’t you?” He asks.

You run into his arms. “I’m so sorry, Steve. It just happened. We have a past, and I just felt….and he was…” You try to say between sobs.

“Shhhh…. I got you. We’ll talk about it later.” He wraps his arms around you. “Sam told me everything.” He runs his hand over the back of your head resting his head against yours. “Why didn’t you tell me? All those nights. Every time I ran my fingers over your scar. You could have told me. I would have understood.”

“I was trying to run…from here…from what happened… I wanted to forget.” You start to cry softly. “I’m so sorry. Or that and for…” The truth slowly coming out. “But I can tell you now, if you want. I know that now. I am ready to face it…” You pull away looking into Steve’s eyes. “With you.” YOu realize he doesn't know about your actions with Dean, just the past, and you decide in that maoment to keep it that way.

Steve kisses you softly, you relax into it. You are trying to forget about what you did and focus on what is here right now. Dean ust have come in during this and chose now to make his presence known. “So…She never told us about _you_ ,” Dean calls out, walking over to the two of you. You both turn to face him. Steve protectively wrapping an arm around your waist, pulling you into him.

“Yeah…She doesn’t talk much about her _past_ either,” Steve replies, cold and distant. Dean straightens just a bit taller. The tension in the room building. Sam clears his throat.

“Dean, this is Captain Rogers.” Sam gestures to the two of you.

“Sam…please. I told you it’s just Steve.” Steve’s friendly voice coming out finally. You relax a bit.

Dean’s gaze going from you to Steve, then back again. “I need a beer.” Dean walks off to the kitchen.

Steve pulls away from you. You look hurt but then you remember that he has to still be hurting inside. You consider yourself lucky that he is even talking to you at all. You follow Sam over to the long wooden table in the library. Steve pulls a chair out for you before taking the one next to you. A few moments later Dean emerges with a six-pack in his hand. He puts it on the table pulling off two. He hands one to you before opening the other for himself. Sam huffs, giving Dean a look that says ‘REALLY’.

“So…Steve.” Dean’s tone is slightly condescending. “How’d you meet?” You are happy Dean is at least trying to be pleasant.

“She works for a friend of mine, with me.” Steve answers. He’s a master at answering questions without giving information. He’s been practicing interrogation tactics with Natasha.

“Ok? And who is that?” Dean pushes.

“Tony Stark.” You say softly. You know this is going to create a ton more questions, but you don’t see the harm in telling Dean that you work with the Avengers.

Dean chokes on his beer. “When you left you got a job with Tony Stark? How the hell did THAT happen.”

You smile at Steve, who glances back at you, nodding. “I punched Steve here in the face.” Sam can’t help but start laughing. Dean, however, sees it as a chance to get a jab in.

“So, if I punch you in the face, will I get a fancy high-paying job from Iron Man too?” Dean asks Steve. You glare at Dean.

Steve tightens his jaw. “You would get your jaw dislocated. That’s what you would get.”

“Dean.” You say, trying to defuse the impending fight. You have already pissed Steve off. You can see his anger just bubbling under the surface. “There was more to it than that.” You feel the tension thickening by the second. “I was on a hunt. I thought I was hunting a shapeshifter, and Steve was investigating a lead on Hydra.”

“We both ended up in a warehouse full of empty shipping containers and nothing else, but we didn’t know it at the time,” Steve adds. You smile, remembering how you were stalking each other in the warehouse.

“It turns out I was following her, and she was following me. Eventually, she snuck up on me. When I turned around she punched me in the jaw.” Steve cannot help laughing. He reaches for you but then stops himself, pulling his hand back. Dean catches the subtle slight but says nothing

“And I sprained my wrist. Steve wanted to take me in for medical help and questioning.”

“But she insisted on ‘testing’ me first.” Steve finishes

“That’s my girl.” Dean chuckles, winking at you.

“Apparently, Tony was impressed by my ability to sneak up on Cap here. But he was even more interested in what I was testing Steve for. When I told him, he gave me a job.”

“And now she has her own R&D division,” Steve says proudly, this time putting his arm over the back of your chair. His fingers brushing your shoulder.

“Wait…You have a lab and team…and conduct actual research on hunting?” Sam leans forward intrigued.

“Yeah, for a little over ten months now.” You reply.

“And so you have been hunting and you couldn’t call us?” Dean asks you.

“I…” You look to Sam for help.

“She has been keeping in contact, with me,” Sam says quietly. Dean’s glare spinning to Sam.

“And when the hell were you going to tell me?” Dean's voice is venomous.

“I told him not to. I told him not to tell either you or Cas. I didn’t want either of you to know I was talking to Sam. I needed time and space, plus I was putting in long hours. I didn’t have the time or energy to deal with very much.”

“Yeah, I suppose hooking up with a superhero takes a lot of energy.” Dean snarks.

“I think you should refrain from discussing Y/N’s private matters,” Steve warns Dean. Dean just gives Steve a whatever glare before looking back at Sam.

“So is Y/N the source that you’ve been using to get rid of the mark?” Dean motions to the missing mark on his arm.

“I was hoping…but…well that was beyond her. Then, well, we released an even bigger threat. So…she decided to come here instead. She wants to help.” Sam answers looking at Steve apologetically.

“Speaking of which,” You take the chance to redirect the conversation. “What exactly are we dealing with here? Cas told me she’s Chuck's sister?” You look at Sam, then Dean.

“Yeah, we really don’t know much beyond that. We’ve been trying everything, but she is just too powerful.”

“What about Metatron, is he still…can he help?” You ask. You know it’s a long shot, but it’s worth a try.

“Metatron is dead. She killed him.” Dean’s voice is frustrated

“And she took Donatello’s soul. We…we are running out of options.” Sam adds.

“How about heaven? Cas? Does he have any ideas?” As if on cue Cas appears behind you.

“Y/N… No. I don’t. All the angels of heaven tried smiting her and well…” Cas looks away.

“My mother decided to switch teams. AGAIN! What a surprise.” Crowley drops down in the seat on the other side of you. “If anything, she made Amara more powerful.” He bends back looking at Steve behind you. Raising an eyebrow Crowley taps you on the shoulder and gestures to him. “New guy.”

“Yeah.” You say simply.

Crowley reaches across the front of you to shake his hand. Steve extends his hand shaking Crowley's. “Steve Rogers,” Steve says politely.

“Crowley, King of Hell.” Steve freezes for a second. Looking at you and slowly pulling his hand away. You shrug.

“I suppose.” You realize, "Now may be a good time for introductions. “Steve, this is Crowley, as you know. And that is Cas, he’s an angel.” Steve looks around at them, then back at you.

“And they all get along?”

“Most of the time.” You chuckle, Cas smiles at you.

“We have our periods of unrest, but we have learned to coexist for the better good,” Cas explains.

“And this Amara is more powerful than them both?” Steve asks.

“How _little_ have you told your new lover boy, Y/N? ‘Cause he is hopelessly clueless.” Crowley snarks.

“I guess he and I need to have ‘the talk’.” You lower your voice.

“What is ‘the talk’?” Steve asks?

“Ok. Here, let me break it down nice and easy." Dean begins before you can say anything. He loves the idea of ebing able to show up Steve. "Monsters are real. Angels, demons, God, Lucifer, and now God’s sister…All real.” Dean rattles out. Gaging from Steve’s response, he can see a lot of this is acceptable to Steve. Getting only a little reaction Dean decides to add. “Oh yeah, and I killed Hitler!”

Steve looks even more confused now. “Y/N?” He looks at you. Crowley rolls his eyes.

“Hitler was reincarnated by a secret society and Dean killed him.” You sigh. The number of times you’ve had to explain the story is making the story monotonous.

“Okay! Boys and girls. Now that we are all up to speed...” Crowley starts, getting up and going to the bar cart to find some scotch. “Can we focus on the bloody problem?”

“Yeah. Well, where do you suggest we start?” You snap at Crowley. Who, in turn, throws his hands up in the air and motions around the room.

“I have my demons searching for her. During her short time with me, I learned a few tricks.” He drops a few ice cubes into his glass. “I’d say the stooges" He gettures to Sma and Dean. "should do what they do best, research.”

“Crowley. What the hell do you think we’ve been doing?”

“Mucking everything up as usual." Crowly’s eyes settling on you. You glare back at him. He smirks before continueing. "Then calling in reinforcements to clean up your mess.” He nods to Steve. Every one in teh room sits quietly whil you continue glaring at him.

“What? Am I wrong?” Crowley says defensively, looking between you and Dean. “You two have been playing googly eyes with each other since I got here. While the rest of us are trying to catch God’s BLOODY SISTER!”

“Maybe we should get some sleep and get a fresh start in the morning?” Sam suggests, hoping to relieve the situation. Standing up Sam leaves the table, heading to his room. 

You drink the rest of your beer and begin to do the same. “Yeah, I know I could use some sleep.” You push your chair in, Steve quickly joining you.

“Did I tire you out, sweetheart?” Dean winks at you. Steve in on him in moments. Fisting the front of Dean's shirt, pushing him into the pillar behind him.

“You are damn lucky that I am a VERY understanding man. OR you would be regretting even LOOKING at her.” Steve grinds out, before letting go of him. He looks over at you with a warning look before going to stand in the hall and waiting for you.

“Well if anything, at least there will be some entertainment.” Crowley says cocking an eyebrow at you before turning to smirk at Dean. “Sticking your pickle where it doesn’t belong again squirrel?”

You study the floor for a few seconds unable to move. The events of the day making you unsure if you want to stay or leave.

“Y/N and Dean…?” Cas states in disbelief. His eyes studying you. You look up, meeting Cas's eyes. The hurt in them making your own swell with tears.

“I’m going to bed.” You announce as if that is the end of the situation. “What room are we in?” You see Cas’s eye darting to Steve’s for a second, realization forming in them. Then Cas simply looks away, not wanting to hear any more.

“Your old room is as you left it…Dean…we couldn’t find it in ourselves to go in after you left,” Cas says. There is a hurt in his voice that has been festering since you left.

“Thanks, Cas,” You say softly. You are trying to avoid the pain you caused him. The pain you are causing everyone.

You head into the hall, taking Steve’s hand in yours as you go. The rest of the boys watching as you pull Steve down the hall and out of sight. Once you get to your room you close the door and drop down onto the bed.

“Care to talk about what happened today?” Steve asks you, his voice brimming with anger.

“I got caught up in the past. In what was…” Your voice trailing off as you get lost in thought.

“Are you saying you want to go back to him?” Steve asks, sitting next to you.

“No!...No, I just… needed the comfort…I just suddenly needed to forget.” You feel tears falling.

“Baby, talk to me.” Steve pleads, turning your face to look at him.

“Steve it’s…I was pregnant once, shortly before I met you actually.” Steve sits up straighter. Unsure of how to comfort you. “Dean and I were pregnant.” Steve sighs, his hand running up and down his face. “And I got the baby killed.” Steve’s eyes shooting up at your last statement.

“That’s why you left.” He says simply.

“Not exactly.” You crawl onto Steve’s lap wrapping your arms around him. When he doesn’t protest, you push your face into his neck, breathing him in. After a few moments, his arms come up around you, comforting you. “At first, we blamed ourselves. Then each other. Then we started seeking comfort from other people. Ultimately, we imploded and I left.”

“Do you still care for him?” Steve asks you. He knows it is probably not the best time to ask, but he needs to know.

“A part of me does, yes.” Your voice is low. You are unsure of how you got where you are. In love with one man but missing another. All you know is that you want to be honest with Steve. If you have any chance of saving this relationship you need to be brutally honest.

“And where does that put us?” He asks with a catch in his throat.

“Nothing between us has changed Steve. At least I don’t want it to. I still love you. I will always love you.” Your hand moves to his face, holding him so that he looks into your eyes. “The day I met you, I instantly felt at home. The moment you pulled me into your arms, I felt the safest I have ever felt.”

Your lips move to his, pausing just short of connecting. “When you kiss me, I lose myself in you. And when we make love, I become one with you.” You kiss him deeply, but briefly, before pulling away. “You are more to me than just the man I love. You are part of me. You are the other half of my soul.”

Steve pulls you in kissing you deeply. He moves to lift you up you wrap your legs around him. Turning the two of you around, he climbs onto the bed with you hanging from him. You drop under him, your back hitting the bed. He lowers himself over you kissing you deeply one more time before dropping down to your side. “Okay beautiful, let’s get some sleep. I have a feeling this mission is going to be a long one.”

“Yes sir, Captain sir.” You groan into his ear snuggling into him. He growls, and you smile. You know what it does to him when you call him Captain in private. You roll off to the side and strip down, then head to the shower. Leaving Steve to stare at your naked body as you step into the bathroom.

When you get back to the bed he is already under the covers, asleep. You slide in next to him. He wakes long enough to wrap his arms around you before returning to sleep. You start to drift off a few minutes later to the sound of his soft snores and know that you are home, again.


	2. Change of Plans

"Rise and shine…” Dean shouts while barging into your room.

“Dean…shit.” You exclaim, pulling the covers up to cover your naked form. You know Steve is gone. He had left a half-hour ago for his run. You opted to stay and sleep. You were never much for his morning runs.

“Oh, sweetheart. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before…or this week.” He smirks standing in the doorway.

“Dean…I’m not dressed”

“And…?” He answers sitting on the end of the bed.

“I don’t think…” Before you can finish Dean leans in kissing you softly. The sheet you are holding up, your barrier between the two of you falling from your hand. You are lost in him for a moment before you realize what you are doing. You push him away.

“Dean! Stop!”

“Y/N…you can’t tell me that you didn’t enjoy the other night.”

“Dean, I am with Steve.” Your voice is firmer this time. Dean moves back, hurt spreading across his face.

“Well, I’m making breakfast. I’m sure Sammy and Captain Jumpsuit will be back soon.”

“They went jogging together?” That is rather unusual for Steve. He usually does his runs alone to get a proper workout.

“Yeap,” Dean replies. You can see the courage returning to him as he moves closer to you. “I’m sure they’ll be gone for a while yet.”

“Dean, we are not. We can’t.” You pull the sheet back around you. “What happened last night. It was a moment of weakness. Coming back here. Seeing you again, brought up a lot of emotions. I tried to lose myself in them, in you, and well I let it go too far.”

“Y/N, there was more to it. I felt it, and I know you did too.”

“Dean.” You want to tell him you don’t care that you don’t feel anything for him, but you do. “Whatever I feel or may have felt for you. It has to stay in the past. I am with Steve. I love Steve, and I am building a future with him.”

“You have barely known him a year. How in the hell can you say you love him?”

“Dean, I know how I feel.” There is a pit forming in your stomach. Your emotions start eating away your insides. “I know that I care for you deeply, that a part of me will always…will always…love you.” You choke on the last words. Tears strangling your voice.

“Y/N…” Dean leans in closer.

“Dean, NO!” You say a little too loudly. “Even if I did, or do still love you. I can’t be with you. Every time I look at you, I am reminded of what we had and lost. I can’t keep reliving that pain.”

“Y/N, you don’t think I feel the same? I want to hate you, but I can’t. I want to scream every time I look at you because you remind me of her. But I also want to lose myself in you. I want to forget about what happened.” Dean shifts closer to you. “Last night, when we were together, was the first time I haven’t felt the pain. I finally felt love and hope for the first time in a long time. I finally felt like…I just need you in my damn life. I lost everything that night.”

“Dean…”

“NO!” He cuts you off. “I lost her, then I lost you! I was so empty inside. Nothing could fix it. I tried and YOU didn’t. You walked away. You left everything and ran.”

“Dean, that’s not fair.”

“FAIR!” Dean stands up now pacing the room. “WHEN THE HELL IS LIFE FAIR?” He pauses turning to you. “NOTHING in my life is fair! I fight my whole life, and where has it gotten me? A girlfriend who walks out, a baby that is murdered, and a best friend who sleeps with the previously mentioned girlfriend.”

“Dean, I.”

“DON’T SAY YOU’RE SORRY!” Dean walks over you, grabbing your arms tight, yanking you up. The sheet around you falls to the ground. “I am done with sorry. If you truly cared, you would have stayed. You should have tried.” He lets you go, shoving you backward. You fall onto the bed. For the first time in your life, you are afraid of Dean. “Then you come back, a year later, with HIM.” Dean climbs on top of you holding you down. “You say you came here to help, but you just wanted to shove him in my face, didn’t you?” His eyes boring into yours. There is nothing but rage in them.

“Dean, please…” You try to wiggle away from him.

“NO. You need to see what you’ve done! You want to fix it? You want to fix me?” He leans closer. “The only way to do that is to give me back what I lost.”

“Dean, stop! I can’t…” He smashes his face to yours. His tongue invading your mouth. You start beating his chest as hard as you can with the little bit of space there is between the two of you. His hand begins moving down your body, grabbing and squeezing. You move your hands to the back of Dean’s neck and squeeze.

Dean pulls back looking at you. “Dean, you need…”

“I need you,” He reclaims your lips. You decide on another tactic and reach around to find something to stop him. To get him to come to his senses. But you come up empty. Dean now has his hand between both of you. Kissing your neck while removing his jeans.

In a panic, you do something you never thought you would. “Dean, I’m sorry.” You whisper before you act. You take a deep breath then c-sink your teeth into his shoulder while digging your nails into his back.

“FUCK!” Dean yells, pulling away from you. You sit up as he pulls away from you, clamping a hand to his neck. You see blood dripping out from under his hand.

“Dean, I…” When you say his name, it is like a slap to his face. He jerks slightly looking at you, his eyes going wide. He looks down at his hands and back to you.

“Oh God, Y/N…I…” You see his eyes welling with tears. He spins and almost runs from the room. You just lay there sobbing.

******************************************************

After what seems like an eternity you hear someone walk into the room. “Are you still sleeping?” It’s Steve. You open your eyes to look at him. “I’m going to hop in the shower. Wanna join me?”

“Steve, I don’t want to be here anymore. Can we go home?” You can feel, can hear tears in your voice.

“Baby, are you okay?” He walks over sitting down next to you.

“I just want to leave.” You are fighting the need to break down.

“Did something happen?” Steve begins looking you over. His eyes stopping when he sees bruises on your arms. “What is this?” He reaches for your arm.

“Nothing.” You quickly try to hide it.

“Y/N, that is not nothing!” He gestures to your arm

“I just want to go home.” You break, tears falling down your face. Steve pulls you to him. Your face buried into his chest, the smell of him comforting you even as it is mingled  
with sweat from his workout.

“Ok, ok…let me shower then we can go. Is that okay?”

“Ok…” You agree. You can barely manage the words. You are still struggling with what Dean did to you. You cannot comprehend the pain and anger he must be feeling to be capable of doing that.

“Ok.” Steve kisses your forehead. “So, shower?” He smiles at you.

“Yes, that would be perfect.” You get up and take his hand. The two of you head into the bathroom for a shower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“Isn’t it a little early for the hard stuff?

“Sammy, I fucked up.” Dean looks at his brother from the kitchen table.

“Dean?”

“Why didn’t you let me go? I should have just died.”

“Dean?” Sam sits down across from him. “What is going on?”

“I am no better than the monsters we kill.”

“Dean, talk to me.” Sam is more concerned by the second.

“Y/N.”

“Y/N? What about Y/N? Is she okay?”

“I hope so.” Dean takes a swig of his bottle. “Don’t let me near her, alone with her ever again, Sam. Promise me.”

Sam’s stomach drops. “Dean, what happened?”

“Lisa was right you know?”

“About what?” Sam knows this can’t be good if Dean is bringing up Lisa.

“When we ended our relationship, she told me I was still full of self-loathing and self-hatred, I’m too clingy to those around me, and I can’t control my emotions. Instead of sharing them, I stuff them inside and let them simmer until they blow.”

“Dean. What the hell happened? Talk to me.”

“I attacked her! Sammy, I…I was…” Dean takes another drink from the bottle. “I just wanted her to know how I felt. To give us another chance.” Dean starts to sob. Sam reaches out to him. “NO!” Dean pushes him away. “You don’t know what I did!”

“Then tell me!”

“I almost raped her!”

“WHAT?” Sam stands up backing away in shock. His chair tumbles over. “Dean…”

“I KNOW SAM!” Dean buries his face in his hands.

“Wha…wh…what happened?” Sam stands in place not sure what to do or say. He can’t believe his brother would be capable of that.

“I don’t know…I don’t understand…Sam. You should just shoot me. Put me down like the monsters we kill.”

“Dean!”

“Don’t tell me you don’t think I deserve it! After what I did?”

“Dean, what exactly happened?”

“I went to talk to her. I wanted her to know how I felt, to show her how I felt.”

“Dean…I…”

“And she told me it was over. That she was with him. I just snapped. I wasn’t going to accept that.”

“Dean, did you?”

“She did this to me.” He pulls the collar of his shirt aside revealing the bite you left there. Dean’s voice is devoid of emotions. He has gone numb reliving the worst moments of the worst thing he has ever done.

“Dean. Fuck! Where is she?”

“I would imagine in her room where I left her.” Dean takes a long pull from his bottle. “I should die for this. They used to execute rapists back in the day.”

“Dean…did you?”

“Did I fuck her?!?! Is that what you need to know Sammy?” Dean's anger resurfacing. “No Sam. Thankful, I didn’t get that far.”

“Maybe, if I talked to her.”

“Yeah, Sam. Go. Talk to her. Use your silver tongue to smooth this over. Try to convince her I am not a monster.” Sarcasm thick in his voice. “Then maybe you can tell Captain Perfect, and he can come to rearrange my face for me. Or better yet, pound me to death. A fitting end to my miserable existence.”

“Dean, I am sure Y/N will understand if you just tell her what happened. How much you regret what happened.”

“Yeah, then we’ll all get together and start singing kumbaya!”

“I’ll go talk to her.”

“Yeah, you do that.” Dean finishes off his bottle. Sam rubs his hands into his face before heading off to your room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve turns on the water, setting the temperature just how you like it. You both step in, the water running over you, warming you perfectly. You feel Steve step in behind you. His hands going to your waist, then wrapping around you. You lean back into him. Steve begins kissing down your neck. You turn in his arms capturing his lips with yours. You wrap your arms around his neck pulling him closer to you. His hands move down to your hips then lower lifting you up pushing you to the wall. You wrap your legs around him, pulling you into him.

“Steve, I love you.”

“I love you too.” He pants. He moves a hand down between the two of you. Reaching between your legs into your folds.

“Yes!” You hiss thrusting forward, wanting more.

“You’re so wet.” Steve’s voice is in your ear. As he slides a digit in. “So tight for me.” You keep gyrating your hips onto his hand as he adds another finger.

“Steve, I need you now.” You moan, not wanting to wait. Steve nods capturing your lips with his. He pulls his hand away lining himself up with you.

He breaks the kiss, resting his forehead against yours. His eyes meeting yours as he slowly enters you. You squeeze his shoulders, the stretch is both fantastic and uncomfortable.

“God baby.” Steve groans. He starts to thrust slowly, enjoying the pull of you around him. You wrap your legs around him tighter. You need this. You need him to forget about what happened. To forget about Dean, and the trust he broke. You need this to know you can trust again.

“Steve, I...you’re so perfect.” You moan.

“You are too baby,” Steve whispers his pace picking up a bit.

“Tell me…” You stop lost in the pleasure. “Tell me you need me.”

“I’ll always need you baby.”

“Oh, God.” You cry out as Steve hits you in the perfect spot. “Yes, right there.” Steve starts hitting you there faster and harder. Everything he is doing is perfect. You feel yourself leaving, letting go. Suddenly you panic. You don’t want to stop. It feels too good. You’re with Steve. You shouldn’t have to stop.

“Baby?” Steve slows. You feel his chest separating from you. His thrusts slowing. “Are you crying?”

“NO,” You panic. Grabbing onto his hips, getting him to move faster. He complies. You feel yourself rising, your orgasm approaching. You let yourself go into it. You let yourself get lost in the euphoria of your release. Steve is spilling into you. You collapse against Steve. Your body completely spent.

Steve reaches behind you turning off the water. He carries you over to the bed and lays you down, crawling in behind you. “Can you tell me what that was about?” Steve asks you softly.

“Nothing.”

“Y/N, you started crying while we were making love.”

“No, the water…” You feebly lie.

“Don’t lie, I can tell when you are upset. Did I hurt you?”

“NO! Steve, God no, you didn’t hurt me.”

“Then who did?” Steve already has a good feeling where this is going, but he wants you to say it.

“No one.”

“Someone hurt you, Y/N. Is that why you suddenly want to leave.”

“Steve, I just think coming here was a mistake.”

“You seem to be making a lot of those lately.” Steve sighs. He knows you are hiding something, and it is frustrating him.

“Yeah.” You feel fresh tears falling. Steve pulls you back into him.

“Hey…hey. Come here.” You snuggle into his chest. “What happened. I promise you, I won’t be angry. I love you, no matter what.”

You feel yourself going stiff. You feel like he can read your mind. Like he already knows. “Steve…ummm…. this morning.” You begin, this is harder than you thought. You are about to continue when you hear a knock on the door.

“Just a minute.” You grab your housecoat wrapping it around you tightly. You head to the door. You feel your stomach doing flip-flops with anxiety. You quickly look behind you and see Steve has pulled on some jeans. You smile at him for reassurance before turning and opening the door.

“Sam?”

“Hey…” He takes in your state of dress. “Um, I can come back.”

“No, it's okay. I just got out of the shower. What’s going on?”

“It can wait.” Sam turns to leave.

“We are leaving soon.” You say to him.

“You are?” Sam shifts a bit. “Is it about earlier? About what happened with Dean?”

“Sam…” You should have known Dean would tell Sam. “I can’t.”

“Y/N, what happened... Dean... he’s… it’s killing him.”

“Sam, I can’t not right now.” You look over to see Steve intently is listening.

“Y/N, please don’t leave because of him. He…what happened is literally killing him. He is calling himself a monster.”

“Sam.” You sigh. “Tell Dean I know he’s sorry. I know that he is hurt and angry. I'll forgive him. But I can’t stay here. I can’t see him. Not now. Not after.” You start to cry and Sam pulls you into a hug.

“Just please, give me a chance to make this right. I am the reason you came. I would feel like shit if you left like this.” You start to sob. You feel hands on your hips pulling you back.

“Sam. Give us a few minutes to talk.” Steve says softly from behind you. Sam lets you go. You spin into Steve’s arms.

“Ok.” Sam agrees. You can hear the sadness in his voice.

You cling tightly to Steve as he pulls you tightly into him.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Sam says watching you in Steve’s arms. “I’m going to go make some breakfast. At least eat something before you leave.” Sam turns and leaves.

When Sam leaves Steve reaches out closing the door. When he sees Sam is gone, Steve leans down whispering to you. “Baby, what happened between you and Dean?”

“Nothing.” You blurt out. Pushing Steve away.

“It doesn’t sound like nothing.”

“I’m not going to talk about it.” You answer stubbornly. You walk over to the bed and drop down onto it, curling up into yourself.

“Fine!” Steve replies in frustration. He feels helpless. He wants to protect you, but he can’t’ protect you when he doesn’t know what to protect you from. “I’ll be right back.” He says leaving you in your room. Steve knows exactly who to talk to in order to find out what is going on. He heads to the common room.


	3. Reconciliation

“Sam,” Steve says from the door to the kitchen.

“Hey, Steve.”

“Sam, what is going on here?”

Sam stops pushing the sausage around in the pan for a moment. He seems to be thinking about something, then he resumes as if nothing happened. “I’m making French toast and sausage. I haven’t started coffee. So if you want some.”

“Sam. What is actually going on between my girlfriend and your brother.”

Sam turns to face Steve. “I told you. They have a past. I think they are just trying to work through it.” Steve continues glaring at him silently. Sam sighs. “She still has feelings for him, and he never got over her.”

“Sam, you know this is not what I am talking about.”

“I know, I just. I think it would be best if Y/N tells you.”

“She won’t tell me anything except that she can’t stay here anymore.” Steve resigns to Sam not telling him anything either. “She is usually very open with me.” Then he reconsiders this for a moment. “well about everything but this.” He waves around himself.

“When she left here, she was a mess. Things here weren’t all that great, to be honest. She probably just didn’t want to remember.”

“But now…I’m here and she still won’t tell me what is going on.”

“Steve…”

“You want to know?” Sam looks past Steve who turns to see Dean standing in the doorway.

“I think I should. Y/N is insisting on leaving. She is upset and crying. I think I need to know what you did to upset her.” Steve says to Dean, the anger edging into his voice.

“Is she going to be okay? I mean…she is okay with you?”

“What do you mean is she okay with me? I didn’t do anything to her.” Steve glares at Dean. Sam shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. Sam sees Steve looking at him and quickly busies himself with finishing up the sausage.

“Dean. What happened?” Steve stands up so he can look Dean in the eyes.

“Y/N didn’t tell you?”

“Would I be asking you if she did?”

“No, I guess not.” Dean looks down at his feet then back up past Steve to Sam. “If we're going to talk about this. I think we should go somewhere…else.”

“I think I am fine where I am,” Steve answers crossing his arms.

“Steve.” Dean begins. “I think it would be better if…”

“Just tell me!”

Dean sighs looking over at Sam. “Sammy, bring Y/N breakfast. And make sure she’s okay?”

“Sure, Dean.”

“I am not sure she wants to talk to anyone. She is pretty clear that she just wants to leave.”

Sam sighs, filling a tray with two plates and a bunch of food then he grabs a pitcher of juice with his other hand. “I’ll be back.”

Dean and Steve watch Sam leave. Steve turns back to Dean. “I saw the bruises.” Steve begins.

“Man, have you ever been so hurt and angry that you completely just lose it?”

“Yes.” Steve answers. His tone flat. He does not like where this is going.

“Well imagine that. Then imagine not having the control, to begin with?”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I did something, something I would never do normally. But I think it has something to do with the mark.”

“The mark? What mark?”

“Y/N didn’t tell you about the mark od Cain?”

“No, she apparently doesn’t tell me much.”

“It’s not personal. In our line of work we try to keep a lot close to the vest.”

“I would think that being our relationship, she would open up to me about her life.”

“I don’t think it was her life she is trying to protect.” Dean feels even more guilty. “A lot of things have happened in our past, my past.” Dean quickly corrects himself. “And I think that some of it still is affecting me now. The Mark of Cain. It was supposed to be a means to an end. It was supposed to help or get rid of a huge problem. It ended up creating even more problems. And it changed me. It made me a…a more violent person.”

“Are you saying you hurt Y/N because of some mark?”

“I am saying that this mark made me into a monster.” Dean waits for a moment, waiting to see if Steve says anything. When he doesn’t Dena continues. “I hurt Y/N. I did the most…I hurt her in the worst way possible and I don’t know how to fix it.”

“FIX WHAT.” Steve is getting angry. He is done with the groveling. He just wants answers.

“I attacked her, ok?” Dean suddenly blurs out. “I held her down on her bed and I tried to rape her.”

Steve doesn’t need to hear any more. He just punches Dean square in the face. Dean crumples to the floor, blood streaming from his nose. “STAY AWAY FROM HER!” Steve spits out. He leaves Dean lying on the floor and heads straight to your room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

You hear knocking on the door. You just lay still, not wanting to deal with anyone. After a moment the door opens. You roll over, looking at the door.

“Y/N?” You hear Sam’s voice. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah.” You answer sitting up ushing yourself to the head of the bed. Pulling your legs against your chest as you lean on the headboard.

“I brought us some breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Y/N. You need to eat.”

“No!” You look away. You are not in the mood to be coddled.

“Well, I’m going to eat,” Sam says setting the tray down on the bed and starts eating. You watch him and your stomach begins to grumble. After a few more moments you reach out and take the plate of food and begin eating slowly.

“Thanks.” You mumble, the food settling your nerves and your stomach.

“I talked to Dean.”

“Sam, don’t.”

“He is killing himself over what he did.”

“I know.”

“You know he would never…”

“Sam, he did!”

“He’s not himself and you know it.”

“Yeah, I know.” You put down your fork. “I still want to help. Now…now that I know how bad this is, I feel like I owe it to him to help.”

“Y/N, you don’t owe…”

“Sam…I am the reason he’s a mess. If I didn’t...” You hold back a sob. “If I didn’t go after Metatron he wouldn’t have… Dean would never have been killed and…”

“Y/N, this would have happened no matter.” Sam sighs. “Dean is stubborn, he would have gone off half-cocked regardless.”

“I just wanted it to be over.”

“He did too.”

“Then I had to go and hurt him. It all fell apart and it's my fault.”

“He’s partially to blame.”

“Sam, I killed our baby. Then cheated on him with his best friend. I leave then come back and…”

“Y/N, he was cheating too.”

“I should never have brought Steve here.”

“Y/N. You moved on. You shouldn’t have to hide that from us. We’re your family, you should never have to hide anything from us.”

“I know…” You and Sam continue eating quietly. After a few moments, you feel like you need to say something.

“Before all that happened, he was talking about leaving. He wanted to get out for us, the baby and me.”

“I know.”

“If Steve weren’t here, I don’t think Dean would be hurting this much. I think seeing me with another man. It hurt him too much.”

“Y/N, you came here to help. You had no idea what would happen.” You nod not knowing what else to say. “Regardless, it doesn’t excuse what he did.”

“I know Sam. But I also know that Dean is not the type to…” You stop, realizing you are defending him. “I just can’t look at him right now. It hurt before but now.”

“I get it. But I could really use your help. Will you just stay in town, nearby?”

“Sam…” you consider it. You really do miss the guys. They do need your help. “Fine, I will hang out for a bit longer. I just…I can’t see Dean right now.”

“Fine, I get it.” Sam smiles. “I can have Cas meet with you if you’d prefer. That way Dean won’t know you’re still in town until you’re ready for him to.”

“I…” You consider this. “I think that will work.”

“Good.” Sam smiles. “So…then we’re good?”

“Sam we’ve been good. You did nothing.”

“I know…I just…”

“Sam, I need to talk to Y/N alone,” Steve says from the door. You look over in surprise. Either of you knew he was there.

“Hey, yeah, no problem. I’ll just clear these up.” Sam begins gathering the dishes.

“Sam.” He stops at the door and looks over at you. “Thanks”

“Anytime.” He replies then turns to leave.

“Hey, Sam?” This time Steve is speaking. “Thanks.” Sam nods and leaves shutting the door behind him.

“Steve. I would like to stay here in town.”

“Are you sure?” Steve looks at you.

“I can’t turn my back on him.”

“Even after?”

“I need to help Sam and Cas.”

“Y/N, I know you what happened,” Steve says quietly. You look at him, eyes wide. “You should not feel obligated to help.”

“Steve, this isn’t about Dean. It’s about Sam. This is his brother, hell it's more about the world. This chic is a walking timebomb.”

“And when did it become your problem?”

“Steve, if she isn’t stopped. She could destroy everything.”

“Y/N are you sure you want to be here. After what Dean…”

“Steve, what happened. That is not Dean. Not the Dean I knew.”

“He said as much.”

“I am not saying I am past it, or that I forgive him. I actually told Sam I did not want to see Dean anymore. I am staying to help but not here.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Steve. These guys have literally been through hell and back. I can suck up whatever pain I’m dealing with and help them now.”

“Ok, so where are we going to go?”

“We can get a hotel. It will be nice to have our own space anyway.” You smile, placing a hand on his chest. “We can finally have some time without interruptions.”

“I think I like that.” Steve’s voice is low.


	4. What now?

You wake up wondering how long it will be before you hear anything. You decided when you left the bunker to wait for Sam to contact you so that Dean won’t accidentally see you calling. You needed time to distance yourself from Dean, but you also need time to figure out what to do about Dean and his strange connection to Amara. 

But it’s been a week since you’ve heard anything, and you haven’t gotten anywhere with your research. As much as you hate to admit it you need to talk to Dean. You need to know exactly what she said to him, exactly how this thing works.

“You needed to talk to me?” You jump off the bed. Surprised to hear another’s voice. Steve has gone out to get breakfast.

“Cas, yeah thanks.” You take in a deep breath to calm yourself before continuing.

“Is…Steve here?” 

“No, he’s getting breakfast.” You look around suddenly feeling guilty. “Cas, this is business.”

“You want to talk about Dean.”

“Yes,”

“Okay.” Cas sits on the chair in the corner of the room.

“Amara, what do you know about her?”

Cas sighs looking down at his hands. “Not much, I know she is God’s sister. I know she was locked away because she didn’t like my father’s love for us.”  
“Cas…” 

“What?” He looks up at you. His voice is soft. As if he is off somewhere else, lost in thought.

“That is what your father told you. What do YOU know?”

“I only know what I was told.” Cas looks away toward the door, then back at you. “Lucifer and Micheal were the only ones to ever meet her.”

“Well, that isn’t useful. They are both out of reach.”

“I am sorry. I don’t know what I can do.”

“Cas, where were you when he got himself into this?!?”

“Y/N, you don’t think I tried to stop him? I had no idea about the mark. You were here. You know he was hell-bent on doing whatever it takes to kill Abaddon.”

“Cas…I am not blaming you.”

“No, I blame myself. If you hadn’t tried to get me my grace.”

“Cas. NO. We needed you at full power. You were dying. I needed to do something.”

Cas tips his head towards you. “You care about me.”

“Of course I care.” You look around the room then sit down on the bed. “I have always cared. I wouldn’t have done what I did if I didn’t care about you Cas.”

“You almost died.” Cas stands walking over to you. He gently caresses your cheek. You instinctually lean into it before pulling away.

“You are more important to this world than I am.” You barely whisper.

“No, you are important.” Cas sits next to you. “You have no idea how much you mean to Dean…and to me.”

You look over at Cas. “Cas…” You study his face as he studies yours. Your eye dropping to his lips then you look back up at him. “Dean…”

“Is not here.” Cas interrupts you leaning closer.

“We…I need to help him.”

“What about what you need?” Cas asks, leaning closer to you. Your eyes dropping to his lips once again. You feel his breath getting warmer, caressing your lips.

“They didn’t have apricot syrup. So I got you blueberry…” Steve says as he opens the door. You jump back from Cas clearing your throat.

“Blueberry is great.” You get up walking over to where Steve is standing. You kiss him on the cheek and take the Styrofoam containers from him. “Thank you I am starving.”

Steve doesn’t even look at you, his eyes focused on Cas. “Hello, Castiel.” Steve’s voice portraying his displeasure.

“Steve.” Cas answers standing up. He looks over at you. “We will continue this later.” You look back over to Cas who nods at you before disappearing.

You nod swallowing and turn back to Steve. You look at him before opening your container of food. “Did you get me sausage or bacon?” You ask trying to distract Steve, unsuccessfully. 

“Why was Cas here?”

“We were trying to plan out what to do about Amara.” Steve nods grimly.

“Does he have any leads?”

“No.”

“So he came here to what? See if we had any leads?” You can tell Steve isn’t buying your excuse.

“I guess?”

“What did you talk about?” Steve asks sitting at the table across from you opening his own container of food.

“Not much, just how neither of us has any leads.”

“You two seemed deep into something when I came in. You practically jumped out of your skin.”

“You startled me, that’s all.” You answer dismissively. “Listen, Steve, I think I need to talk to Dean.”

“Ok.”

“I need to find out more about his connection to Amara. I think it might just be the key to breaking the bond.”

“That makes sense.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I just. This whole situation is a little off-putting to me.” Steve admits.

“I know. It’s a lot to take in.”

“I don’t mean God and the Devil, angels, and Amara.” He stops looking at you, his eyes searching you for something. “What is going on here?”

“What do you mean?” You ask even though you know the answer.

“You and I.”

“What are you asking me?”

“I can’t help but feel like you are pulling away.”

“Steve, no…”

“You have feelings for Dean.”

“I told you that.”

“And he obviously cares about you. The two of you have history, more than we have.”

“Steve, that’s exactly what it is. History.”

“It doesn’t seem like history, and then today.”

“I haven’t even seen him today.”

“No, not him.”

“Cas?”

“Sam told me everything that happened.”

“What do you mean?” You ask, but your heart sinks. You already know.

“After you lost your baby, you and Dean imploded.” You nod. You have told him this already. “Then you cheated on Dean.” He finishes, giving you the chance to say something.

“Steve, this all happened before I met you.”

“I know, but here we are. And they both seem to still be drawn to you.”

“Steve…”

“Y/N, I am not stupid.” You look away, not wanting him to see the pain in your eyes. “I think that maybe we need to take some time apart.”

“Steve…”

“You need to take some time to figure out if these guys are truly in your past.”

“They are.”

“It doesn’t look like it. Look. I’m going to get a separate room. You need to take time and figure out what you want.”

“You’re not leaving?” You feel tears forming.

“No. I promised you and Sam I would stay and help. Besides, as much as I hate to do this, you are still my girl.”


	5. New Path

After breakfast, you watch quietly as Steve is packing up his bag. You feel numb. This is not what you wanted to happen. You knew that this would be the outcome if Steve came here. That is why you did not want him here. You knew that your feeling for Dean was going to come back. You knew it was going to get complicated. 

And now here you are watching the man you wanted to spend your life with packing and leaving you.

“Steve, how long?”

“A few days, maybe a few weeks. We’ll see what happens when this is all over.” Steve answers not looking at you.

“Steve.” You walk over to him. “I love you.” You say standing behind him. You want to reach out and touch him, hold him. You want to tell him not to go, but you know he won’t.

“I love you too.” He says softly turning to you. He looks over your face for a moment. Then he leans in kissing you. You wrap your arms around him pulling him into you. You hold on desperately. Hoping that when the kiss is over everything will be back to normal. That you will have Steve back and everything that tore him from you was nothing but a bad dream.

“Stay.” You say even though you know the answer.

“You know I want to. But this is what’s best for both of us.” He rests his head against yours. “You need to figure out what you really want. And I need the time to come to terms with what has happened with you here.”

You feel tears forming in your eyes. “Steve, why can’t we. I need you.”

“No Y/N, you need time to yourself to figure out where you are emotional.” He grabs his bag off the floor and the other he has finished packing on the bed. “I love you, but you need this. We need this if we are going to move forward. You need to know that you have no doubts about being with me.”

“Steve…”

“Y/N. I know you love me. But can you honestly say that you have no feelings for Dean? Or Castiel?”

“I…” You consider your pull to Dean. “No, I do care for Dean.”

“Then you need to explore that. You need to see if these feelings are true or just residual.” Steve sighs. He can tell you are about to argue more. “I’ll be in room 3.”   
He says then leaves you standing in the room. You watch the door hoping it will open again, when it doesn’t you drop to your knees. Tears flowing freely from your eyes.

“Y/N, I sensed you were upset.” You pull your hands from your face to see Castiel kneeling near you. You wrap your arms around him, pulling him in for a hug.

“Steve left me.” The only words you can manage before the sobs resume.

“I’m sorry.” He starts caressing your head, smoothing out your hair.

“He says I need to figure out how I feel about Dean.” Cas pauses with his hand on the back of your head. Your face still buried in his chest.

“How do you feel about Dean?”

“I don’t know. I care about him. I mean we went through a lot together.”

“But you don’t love him.” 

You shake your head. “I can’t. Not after everything.”

“Did you tell Steve this?”

“He thinks I need time to explore my feelings.”

“About Dean?”

“And you.”

“Me?” Cas pulls away looking at you. “You have feelings for me?”

“I don’t know.”

“But Steve thinks you do?”

“Yes.”

You pull away from Cas. Putting some distance between the two of you. “What exactly are you supposed to do?”

“He just said explore my feelings, decide if they are in the past or present.”

“How are you supposed to do that.” Cas leans in closer.

“I don’t know yet.” You get up still hurting from the rejection of Steve. Not wanting to talk about it anymore. “Where are we with Amara?”

“We have an idea, but it’s not the best plan. I am trying to find a better idea.”

“What is the idea?”

“A spell.”

“What kind of spell? I thought Rowena was playing for the other team?”

“She’s…she’s playing both sides.”

“Is that going to work?”

“It’s worth a shot.”

“Then why are you so hesitant.”

“Because the plan will mean losing Dean.”

“WHAT?”

“He will have to be the one to…he’ll have to come face to face with her. To complete the spell.”

“HE can’t do that!”

“That is why I am trying to find an alternative.”

“I need to talk to him now.”

“I don’t think…”

“NOW, Cas.”

“Ok.” He reaches out and pulls you into him. You tuck your face into his chest. Your breath in his scent. The scent of oceans and wildflowers filling your senses.   
After a second you pull away and find yourself back in the bunker.

“Thank you, Cas.”

“Of course.” He nods at you. “I believe Dean is in his room.” You look at Cas. Cas is looking around as if searching for something.

“Cas.” He looks at you. You smile, reaching up cupping his face in your hands. You give him a chaste kiss. Then turn to talk to Dean.

When you get to his door, you open it slowly. He’s lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. “Dean.”

“You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t be near me.”

“You think I was going to let you sacrifice yourself?”

“I think it’s the least I can do after what I did to you.”

“Dean, what happened….” You want to say you are over it but you’re not. You want to say you’ve forgiven him, but you haven’t. “I understand.”

“Oh, you understand, do you?”

“Dean. Why are you killing yourself?”

“I’m not killing myself, not really.”

“Sacrificing yourself then.”

“I’m the only one who can.”

“You always think that!”

“This time it’s true.”

“How so?”

“I’m the only one who can get close to her. Close enough to blow her into the next plain.”

“And what happens to you?”

“I suppose I go along with her.”

“Oh, and you’re just okay with this?”

“It’s the job.” Dean is sitting up now. You walk over to the edge of the bed. You sit down next to him. You feel your anxiety rising at him being so close. You swallow it down because you know you are trying to save his life.

“Dean, you have given enough. I thin you need to let Cas find a better way.”

“Cas…” Dean says questioningly. “So that is how you know. You and Cas are getting friendly again. Does your man Steve know? You doing him the same way you did me?”

“Dean. Steve…he left me.” Dean turns to face you. You can tell he is trying to hide his excitement.

“Really? What happened?”

“Does it matter?” You feel your eyes filling with tears.

“No, I suppose it doesn’t.” Dean turns to you. Slowly he puts a hand on your shoulder. “For what it’s worth I am sorry.” You look over at him. For that moment the events of the last week are gone and it’s just your Dean. You wrap your arms around him and pull him to you.

“I feel empty inside Dean.” You sob. He pulls you closer to him. “I lost him and now I’m going to lose you too.”

“Shhh. I’m right here.” He soothes you. You feel yourself relaxing in his arms. The feeling you have for him overpowering the anxiety you are feeling about what happened last time you were close to him.

“You can’t do this.” You sob.

“Do what baby?”

“You can’t sacrifice yourself.” You sob. “I can’t lose you.”

“Baby, If I don’t do this everyone will die.” Dean pulls back looking into your eyes. “Amara is killing the world. If I don’t stop her, she’ll succeed.”

“But why does it have to be you?”

“Who else do you think is going to get that close to her.”

“What about Crowley. She seemed to be cozy with her from what I heard.” Dean smiles shaking his head. 

“Sweetheart you are grasping there. First off when do you think Crowley would ever sacrifice himself? And second, she trusts Crowley about as far as you can throw him.”

“But she trusts you?”

“I…I think she is in love with me.”

“Do you love her?”

“What? NO!” He looks at you then looks away. “I feel some pull, but love? God no. I only…it doesn’t matter.”

“Dean it matters, to me.” You want nothing more than to talk him off the ledge.

“SO you do care?” His cocky attitude comes back. He gives you the smirk.

“Dean, if I didn’t care I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be trying to talk you out of this suicide mission.”

“Is that all you care about?”

“Dean…you know that’s not true.”

“But you left me for him,” Dean says and you flinch at his words. Dean catches your reaction. He quickly puts it together. “But he left you…Y/N, did he leave you because he knows you still care?” Dean leans in and you stiffen. Not out of fear but because you are frightened by your body’s reaction to him. His breath on your neck turning you on.

“Dean…” You breathe out. Dean moves gently pushing his lips to yours. Testing you to see if you are ok. You run your hands up into his hair. You kiss him back opening your mouth and inviting him to deepen the kiss. He responds eagerly, wrapping his arms around you pulling you into him. You feel his hands running up and down your back.

After a few seconds, you feel yourself being pushed gently back onto the bed. You allow yourself to go. Needing the reassurance of being wanted by someone, even if it’s not the man you really wanted. You feel Dean running his hand up your side then down to your hip sliding behind to push you up into him. You feel him rubbing his semi-hard erection against you. It feels delicious against you.

He breaks the kiss looking down at you. His eyes are needy but he is fighting. “Y/N, I would love to keep going…”

“Then don’t stop.” You groan, you need him now more than before.

“But I think that we need to slow this down.” He sighs pulling away from you, but still hovering over you.

“Dean…” You want to tell him no. You want to tell him you need him, but you know he’s right. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” He leans in kissing you softly, sweetly. “I am glad that you still care. I would love to make love to you. But I want it to be me that you want.”

“Dean,” You tighten your arms around his neck. “I do want you.”

“Y/N, you just got out of a relationship with Steve. I am not stupid. You want him not me, I’m just a replacement.” You feel a tear falling from your eye and Dean catches it. “You care. I know that. And maybe when you get past Steve leaving you then I’ll be there. That will be our time.”  
You nod and force a weak smile. Dean kisses you again, more passionately. After a second he pulls away. “Now, can we talk about what’s going to happen? Chuck is going to be here soon, and well we are going to try and get this spell going.”

“What?” You are in shock. 

“Yeah, we…we need to gather up souls for the spell.”

“This soon?”

“Y/N,” Dean moves to his side, resting his hand on your stomach. “We don’t have much time. Chuck is dying, and the world is going with it.”

“I know.”

“So we need to move fast.”

“Dean,” You swallow hard. You don’t want to say goodbye, but you know a way to help Dean. “Let me make a few calls.”


	6. Last-First Chance

“Tony, I am telling you.”

“You are an idiot yes I hear that.”

“That is not what I said.”

“Not but that is what I am hearing.” Tony waits to hear a rebuttal but gets none. “You wanted this girl from the minute you saw her. Then when you do get her you give her up at the first sign of a problem.”

“Tony, I didn’t.”

“What else would you call it?”

“She is still in love with her ex.”

“You believe that?”

“Tony. You didn’t see her. When I got there…” Steve sighs remembering how you looked at Dean. “It was like I wasn’t even there.”

“You really don’t get it, do you?”

“What am I supposed to get?”

“She may be feeling something for the guy, but it’s not love.” Tony is scolding now. His voice is authoritative. “Any fool can see that when she is around you. She is completely smitten with you, and I don’t use that word often.”

“Well, it’s done now.”

“I doubt that.”

“It doesn’t matter. This isn’t why I called.”

“Oh I know, I already got a call.”

“What?”

“Yeah, your girl called me about 20 minutes before you did.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Steve is trying not to be pissed.

“Honestly? Because she asked me not.”

“I would find out eventually.”

“Yes, I suppose you would when they all left you in that little stain on America.

“What do you mean, leave me?”

“Well, she and the merry men are all coming here. Y/N needs to use the lab for some experiment.”

“She didn’t tell me.”

“Well can you blame her? You pushed her away?”

“I didn’t…”

“She is supposed to be leaving tonight. I’d say she may still have pals to tell you.”

“She’s bringing him?”

“From what I understand she is bringing a small tribe.”

“Thanks, Tony.”

“Look, you need to talk to your girl before she gives up on you.” Steve doesn’t know what to say to that. He thought he was doing the right thing. Giving you space to figure out your feelings. He never intended on making you think that he didn’t still care.

“Tony.”

“Yeah.”

“I guess we’ll see you soon then.” Steve can feel his heart sinking as he hangs up the phone. He looks down at his phone wondering what the hell he’s done. After a moment he starts packing. Apparently, he’s about to go back home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“Dean, this is going to work.”

“I don’t know. I just think a road trip is the dumbest thing we could pull right now.”

“It’s not a road trip. I just think that we can use the resources to come up with a plan ‘B’.”

“And bringing the God squad?”

“I think that they may be able to help. They all have their own unique talents.”

“Unique? Yeah, that’s a nice way of putting it.” Dean groans. You can tell he is not happy about your idea. You step up to him while he is stuffing clothe into his bag, putting a hand on his back. He turns around putting a hand on your waist, pulling you into him.

“Dean, I know you don’t like this.” You rest your hands on his chest. “But I am trying to save your life.”

“Uh-huh. Well, when we get to your superhero hideout, are we going to have to behave ourselves or…?” Dean trails off kissing you softly. You return the kiss, still not used to being able to kiss him so freely. After a second you break the kiss.

“Are you worried about the others? What are they going to think when we show up there?”

“Well, you were dating their leader.”

“Dean, they are not going to say anything. I am a grown woman and people break up.” You pause the mention of the breakup still hurts you. You still love Steve, and you still don’t understand why he left you. He said he loved you, but if you love someone you don’t leave them you work it out. 

“Yeah, and I am a piss poor substitution.”

“Dean, you are not a substitution. You are just someone I care about.”

“Is that all?” Dean pulls back looking at you.

“Dean, I told you. I love us, I love being with you. But I just can’t commit right now. I….I need time.”

“Y/N it’s been over a week since Steve dumped you.”

“Dean!”

“Well, I…” Dean’s voice turns soft. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…it’s just he left you over a week ago. He barely talks to you and only then you have to call him. I  
think it’s clear how he feels.”

“Dean. It’s not about how he feels it's about how I feel.” Dean studies you for a moment. He moves closer wrapping his arms around you.

“Well, I think you feel perfect.” You can’t help but giggle.

“That I not what I mean.” Dean starts kissing up your neck. When he gets to your ear you hear a knock on the door. You gently push Dean back. “Come in.”

“Hey, I called everyone. They’re going to meet us there.” Sam says from the doorway.

“Thanks, Sam.”

“Yeah, Thanks, Sammy.” Dean grumbles. You can tell Dean is slightly frustrated by being interrupted.

“Sam?” You stop him before he leaves. “How much time do we have?”

“Well, I’m supposed to let them know when we’re close.” Sam answers. You can hear in his voice that he wants to be anywhere be where he is. Dean must be  
giving him the evil glare.

“Good, give us an hour,” Dean growls low turning back to you.

“Ok…I’m just gonna…I’m gonna go gather some books.” Sam stutters pulling the door closed behind him.

Dean smiles at you. “Where were we?” He whispers before capturing your lips with his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“Sam call the other and let them know we just pulled in,” Dean tells Sam. You move a bit closer to Dean so that Sam can pull out his phone. You look over your shoulder at Chuck and Rowena. Chuck is laying his head on her lap. You know that you need to hurry, Chuck is dying off faster, and the faster he goes the faster the earth is going to die.

“How is he?” You ask over your shoulder to Rowena.

“He’s fading fast. I have a few more spells I can use, but…” She looks down at him running her hands over his hair. “They are just going to prolonging…”

“His death.”

“Exactly.”

“Just do what you can, please. We are almost there.” You look back in front as Dean finishes punching in the gate code. The impala speeds forward to the compound. Dean glances over at you. The worried look on his face mirroring your own.

When you get to the entrance you see Steve standing there, arms crossed. You watch him as the car pulls to a stop. Sam gets out shaking his hand right away. Dean is the next to get out and you slide out behind him.

Steve catches your eyes for a minute before moving to help Sam with Chuck. Steve tosses Chuck over his shoulder then turns back to the rest of you. “Tony set up some rooms for all of you.” He looks pointedly at you. “I’m going to get Chuck up to med-bay. Thor has some doctor like people from his world here. They are going to see what they can do to sustain him.”

“Thanks, Steve.”

“Don’t thank me. We are all in this together.” Answers cold before turning and walking into the building. You watch him walking into the building, at the doorway you see Natasha holding the door open for Steve. Steve stops to say something to Natasha. She nods back expressionless before turning back to you. After Steve clears the doorway she starts coming over to where you are.

“Y/N, I hear we have to save the world, again.” She smiles this time. When she gets to you she pulls you into a tight hug.

“Hey, Nat.” You say back returning the hug. After a second you pull back. “So, this is Sam and Rowena.” You motion to them. “And this is Dean.” Dean steps u next to you sliding his arm around your waist. Nat arches an eyebrow at Dean then looks past him.

“And, the trench coat?” You turn and see Cas standing on the other side of Baby.

“That’s Cas.”

“We have a lot to talk about,” Natasha says to you looking at you and Dean, then where Dean’s hand is clasped at your waist. “But let me show you your rooms first.”

The six of you walk into the compound and head to the elevator. Natasha hits the button for the third floor. You look over at Dean who is shifting around a bit uncomfortably. You look at the others and they're all looking around out the glass elevator and the building around them. “Nat, do Thor’s friends know what they are dealing with. I mean…”

“Do they know they are dealing with God? Yes, they seem confident they can maintain his current levels.”

“Good.” The doors open and Natasha steps out. She walks down a hall past rooms that you know are the team’s rooms. When you pass your and Steve’s room you feel our stomach flip. You didn’t even think if Nat would get you your own room. You are sure she must know you and Steve are done. Steve would have told her. “Umm Nat…?” You are about to ask her if you would be getting your old room back. When she stops at the next door you come to.

“Rowena…I think this should work for you.” She smiles at Rowena. Opening the door. You peek in and see that it has been upgraded a bit with a lot of crystal and silver accents. You smile.

“Oh, this is lovely, thank you.” She nods looking the room over. “But dear where would I find your library?”

“We have a collection of tomes down by R&D.” You offer up.

“Thank you, Y/N. Rowena nods and closes the door to her room. Natasha guides the rest of you further. 

“Sam, this is you.” She points to the next door down. Sam nods and steps inside without another word, giving you and Dean a simple nod. She heads further down the hall and you only see one more door. Your heart sinks. She turns at the three of you.

“I was told angels don’t sleep so you wouldn’t need a room?” she says to Cas.

“No, I usually find solace in quiet places.”

“We have a wonderful gazebo down by the lake I can show you later.”

“That would be appreciated thank you.” He nods. You are listening to the two talking, but your heart is racing a hundred miles a minute. You hope that maybe Natasha is showing you to your room last.

“Well, I hope this room works for you.” She opens the door to reveal a large room with a kitchenette. You glance inside and notice it is laid out very similar to Tony’s room.

“Oh, this is more than good.” Dean steps inside. “Now I see why Y/N stays.” Dean jokes as he walks around the room.

“Hey, Nat…” You are about to ask her where you are staying.

“Steve told me that you and Dean are together?”

“No. Well…we’re. I don’t know what we are.”

“Well in that case I can get you a room next to Steve’s.”

“You mean Bruce’s room?” You ask Nat and she blushes.

“Well, Bruce offered to bunk with me, if we needed the space.”

“Thank you.” Relief filling you. You normally wouldn’t have an issue sharing a room with Dean. It’s just that with Steve being in the same building and everyone knowing that Steve left you. It seems a little inappropriate to jump into bed with another man. Especially when it would be just right down the hall.

“No problem.” She lowers her voice. “No one would blame you. I mean we all wanted you and Steve to work out, but he left you.”

“Natasha. I still love Steve. I can’t…” You pause to fight back tears.

“Shhh…” Natasha hugs you briefly. “You take all the time you need. If you want my opinion Steve is an idiot for leaving you. And…” She pulls away looking you in the eyes. “IF I were go and lose myself in someone in order to move on.” She looks over at Dean who is now checking out the view. “That man there is like sex on a stick, excellent choice.”

“Nat!”

“What? I have eyes.” She jokes. Dean turns to look over at you.

“Y/N, you actually lived here?”

“Yeah, well not at first.” You say. “I moved in here about 5-6 months ago.” What you don’t say is you moved in here when you and Steve became more serious.

“I’ll leave you to get settled in.” Natasha winks at you, leaving you to explain how you are not bunking with Dean.

“Thanks, Nat.” Your sarcasm dripping from your voice.

“Anytime.” She says with a smile as she leaves you just inside the door to the large room.


	7. Reacquaintance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. I gave ya all some smutty Dean goodness. I apologize if it's not well written. I have gotten rusty at writing smut.
> 
> But if you all want Dean, Steve, or even Cas smutty goodness, my other story, Life, Love, and Secrets is FULL of smutty goodness.. all marked with *** for chapters containing smut.

“Steve.” 

Steve continues staring out the window of the common room. He doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Not right now.

“Steve,” The voice comes closer. “Hey, bud. I saw her come in with the group.”

“Yeah, I met them.”

“You should talk to her,” Bucky says quietly. “I think that if you talked to her it would help.”

“Help with what? She’s with him now. Jut like I thought would happen.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, you practically shoved her at him.”

“Buck, I… She was already…” He wants to say fucking him, but he just can’t put words to it. “I did what I thought was best.”

“Wait…you’re telling me she cheated on you?”

“Bucky…”

“Man…” Bucky shakes his head. “I thought she was different.”

“Don’t…” Steve looks over at Bucky. “It’s more…it’s different.”

“Well, Stevie if you don’t tell me what is going on I can’t help much.”

“She never got over him.”

“That still doesn’t excuse….”

“Did she ever tell you she was pregnant before?”

“No.” Bucky looks down. “Shit.” After a second he asks. “Let me guess this guy was the father?”

“Yep,” Steve says with a pop of his lips. “And they imploded because of it.”

“But after being apart…”

“When she went back there. Apparently, it rekindled some old feelings.”

“Did she say that?”

“No.”

“Then what makes you think?”

“The way they were with each other. It was obvious there was more.”

“So you cut her loose instead of facing it with her.”

“I thought she should be able to be sure who she wants.”

“Damn it, Steve.”

“What? I was doing what I thought was best.”

“Best? For you maybe?”

“How is…”

“You know.” Bucky interrupts.

“No Bucky! I don’t!”

“You pushed her away because you didn’t want to get hurt. Not after Peggy. It's why you never got involved with anyone. Not until her at least.”

“Bucky it’s more than that.”

“No, Steve it isn’t. I’m not some schmuck you can fool. It’s me. I know you.” Bucky looks out the window Steve is. He knows to give Steve time to absorb everything that was said.

“I just…I was scared she loved him more than me.”

“Did you talk to her about it?”

“Yeah.” Steve’s voice is low, quiet.

“And?”

“She just kept telling me she loved only me.”

“Steve…”

“I know what you’re going to say and no. I think she thought she did, but…”

“But nothing! She wanted to be with you.”

“She didn’t know what she wanted.” Steve begins then sighs out the rest. “Obviously.”

“Steve, she did! She does! But you didn’t really give her a choice.” Bucky’s voice raises as he glares at Steve.

“She did choose. She chose when she fucked him.”

“Do you really want to give her up after that?”

“DO I have a choice? She is with him now.”

“Steve, I know what she did is bad, but I can’t help but feel like there is more to it than that.”

“When we talked, she told me she still cared for him.”

“Well, that is understandable, they shared a child even if it died before being born.” Bucky thinks for a second. “So, she told you she wanted to be with him?”

“No, she said she wants to be with me. He just told me she still cares about Dean because of what they went through.”

“And you still pushed her away?”

“She told me she had feelings for another guy Bucky!”

“No. She told you she cared about another person Steve.” Bucky sighs running his hands through his hair. “You care about me, right?”

“Bucky…” Steve can see where this is going.

“Do you?” Bucky pushes.

“Yes, Of course, I do.”

“Are we fucking?”

“Bucky!”

“Well punk, there’s your answer. She cares about people, that’s not a reason to leave her.”

“Bucky, she had intercourse with him.”

“She got caught up in her past.” Bucky starts. “I think we can all say we’ve done that. Especially you and I.” Bucky finishes by giving Steve a pointed look.

“So, what I should just let her cheat on me?”

“No, God no.” Bucky sits for a moment weighing his words carefully. “I’m just saying maybe you should try to work through it. You do love her, right?”

“Bucky…” Steve groans like a petulant child. “You know I do.”

“Then swallow your damned pride and go get her.”

“Bucky…”

“Damnit, Steve! I have never seen you as happy as you were with her. Not in a long time. If you tell her you want her back, that you love her, you should be able to work it out.”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, I do.” Bucky shoots back. “She’ll take you back if you haven’t screwed it up too much.”

“Thanks, Buck.”

“Anytime Punk.” Bucky pulls his friend in for a hug.

“Jerk.” He answers back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` 

“Baby, I can understand now why you stayed here. This place is awesome.”

“Dean. I’m glad you like the room but you’re here for a reason.” Dean’s expression hardens almost instantly.

“Yeah, I know. I just wanted…for just one moment I wanted to enjoy the moment before I go down in flames.” He moves over to you wrapping you in his arms.

“Dean.” You chuckle. You love it when he’s playful like this. It doesn’t happen very often. Before you left, he was not allowed to be happy. 

“Come on now baby, help me break in that California king.” He captures your mouth with his, and you melt. You feel his arms wrapping around your waist pulling you into him. You dig your fingers into his hair, needing to feel him. He shocks you when he drops his hands to your ass hoisting you up and you instinctively wrap your legs around his waist.

“Dean...” You gasp when he breaks the kiss long enough to walk you over to the bed in the other room. He drops you down onto the bed. He slowly climbs up over you kissing you deeply. You give in kissing him back. He runs his hand up your side and under your t-shirt. The warmth of his touch turning you on.

You run your hands down his back pulling his shirt up. You need to touch him, to feel his skin and muscles under your fingertips. He helps you to remove this shirt tossing it somewhere before he removes yours. Within seconds his hands are on your breast needing them through your bra. You capture his lips with yours. You kiss passionately and longing. You break the kiss when you feel Dean running his hand down to your jeans.

“God, I have been wanting to do this since we got here.” He mumbles against your skin. Then nips on your neck.

“Fuck!” You moan. Dean has always been able to play your body like a fiddle. His hand slipping inside your jeans and is slowly making its way to your core. You move your hands down and grab onto his ass, trying to grind him into you.

“Slow down baby.” Dean chuckles. He finds his target and slowly begins moving his finger home.

“Oh Dean…Yes.” He begins pumping his finger slowly in and out.

“You’re so fucking wet for me…” Dean growls. He pulls out making you whine. “Hold on baby I think this would go better if we didn’t have these.” He tugs on your jeans. You quickly remove them with his help. Once they are off you roll him over climbing on top of him.

“Your turn.” You whisper practically ripping them from him. When you pull them past his ankles you slowly make your way up, laying sloppy wet kisses on his calves the thighs. 

“Baby, please don’t tease.” Dean whimpers.

“Never.” You answer. You slowly make your way up to his erection. It is red and angry. You can see precum on the tip and a bit on his stomach. You stick out your tongue slowly running it up from the base to the tip shaft. When you reach the head, you circle your tongue around before wiping up the small slit on the tip. The move making Dean bucks his hips up involuntarily.

“Fuck baby.” He cries out. His hands instantly going to your hair. You understand what he wants taking the tip into your mouth. You slowly run your tongue around the tip a few more times before moving down slowly. You take your time slowly bobbing your head each time taking in a little more of him.

“Fuck…God you are good at this…” Dean’s fingers are now fully entwined in your hair. He slowly starts to take control. Moving your head at a faster pace and you follow his movements. He begins to grunt and moan. You hum around him adding a vibration sensation that drives Dean over crazy.  
Instead of taking control and pounding into you faster, he pulls you off. “Come here, now.” His voice is broken. His tone a mix of a command and a growl. He tugs on your hair a bit encouraging you up. He lets go when he feels you moving, running his hands down your sides. You move over him rubbing your pussy against his legs then his dick. The friction feeling delicious.

When your hips come parallel to his you start to rise up. You reach down to remove your panties, but Dean stops you. “I can’t wait.” He moans moving them aside and pushing himself into your entrance. Once the tip is in, he stops. “When you’re ready.” He groans, you can tell he is fighting hard to maintain control.

You nod pushing yourself down onto him slowly. The stretch and burn are pleasant. Your breath in deep until you are fully seated on him. When you bottom out you lean forward kissing up Dean’s chest, your hands sliding over his shoulders to brace yourself on both sides of his head. Your lips claiming his as you begin to move slowly. Dean’s hands grabbing onto your hips guiding you up and down over his cock.

After a few seconds, you break the kiss, needing to breathe. You moan out in pleasure and Dean thrust into you hard. The change surprising you. “Fuck baby.” Dean groans out.

“Dean…God…” You moan as Dean's pace picks up. 

You can feel yourself bouncing on him now his thrusts are sharp and powerful. “Fuck baby.”

“That’s it…God yes!” Dean grabs onto tightly flipping you over. “You’re doing so good.” Dean coos.

“Dean, Please...” You beg but you don’t even know what for.

“What baby? What do you need?”

“I need…God.” You try to say something, but Dean has moved your legs over his shoulders and is hitting deeper inside you. 

“You like that?” Dean asks continuing the motion.

“God yes!” You cry out. Your nails dig into his back as your orgasm shoots through you.

“Oh, baby…Fuck…” Dean moans your cunt spasming around him. He continues thrusting hard into you, working you through your orgasm.

“Dean…Oh…God…yes…”

“Ready for it baby,” Dean whispers his trusts slowing but not stopping.

“Oh…baby…” You can feel your body relaxing from the orgasm you just had. 

“Hang onto me,” Dean whispers into your ear. You wrap your legs around his waist. Your arms tightening around his neck. You feel Dean move his hands under you. His hands cradling your back lifting you up. He rolls over sitting you onto his lap, his dick still inside you.

Dean moves his hands to your waist. His eyes meeting yours as he guides you to move. You slowly start moving up and down testing out the new position. Dena lays back a bit against the pillows, hands moving from your hips to your core. He beings rubbing your clit.

“Fuck Dean…don’t stop.” You begin moving faster. Dena following with his and rubbing your clit faster as you go.

“You look so beautiful, baby.”

“Fuck Dean…Right there.” You cry out as his dick hits you in the right place. 

“Okay baby…” Dean takes his free hand and places it on your hip, guiding you. He sets a rhythm that has your body trembling. “That’s it, baby. Ride me fucking good.”

“Oh Dean…FUCK!” You feel your body rising. You keep moving, increasing your pace.

Dean’s fingers gripping you tighter. You can feel him slamming you down onto him.

“Yes, your tight cunt is taking me so good. You feel so good.” Dean encourages you both with his words and his actions.

“Dean…oh…you Feel perfect.” You try to get out Dean's thrusts are so hard that your body is bouncing with his thrusts. You can feel yourself going limp with ecstasy, teetering on the edge of release. You collapse onto Dean, unable to keep yourself up. Dean continues thrusting up into you.

“It’s ok baby, I got you,” Dean whispers in your ear. His hips thrusting up into you while his arm holds you against him. 

“Dean…please…I…”

“Almost there…” Dean groans. His thrusts picking up pace and force. Your body is rocking against Dean’s. Dean’s breathing is becoming erratic. You can tell he is getting close. “God baby, you feel so fucking good.”

“You do too.”

“Son of…. Fuck…yeah baby squeeze me like that!” He cries out as your body starts to edge spasming around him.

“Dean…I’m about…”

“It’s ok baby let go I’m there with you.”

“FUCK!” You exclaim. Dean thrust up into you a few more times before it hits you. “DEAN!” You scream. 

“Yes!” Dean cries out. Thrusting into you hard once more before spilling into you. You can feel him filling you, the feeling combined with your own release shooting you through the roof. You go completely limp, sprawling across Dean’s chest. Dean holds you to him, kissing the top of your head, then your shoulder.

The two of you lay like that basking in the aftermath of your lovemaking. You are about to fall asleep, both from the long drive and the exertions with Dean you are exhausted, when Dean rolls you to the side. “I’m going to take a shower, do you need?”

“Give me a moment.” You mumble completely spent. Dean leans down kissing your forehead. 

“Ok…” Dean turns to go to the bathroom. You watch him walking away, the view of his bare ass is a vision.

“Ms. Y/N. Captain Rogers wants to speak with you.” F.R.I.D.A.Y. cuts through the silence.

“What the hell?” Dean spins around looking for the source of the voice.

“Tell him I’ll be there in a few moments. I need to freshen up first.”

“Of course,” F.R.I.D.A.Y. replies.

“What the hell?” Dean looks truly scared. “Who the hell?” Dean looks over at you.

“That was F.RI.D.AY. She is the compounds A.I.”

“An A.I.? Where the hell am I? Star Trek?”

“Dean.” You chuckle crutching your finger in a come-hither gesture. Dean walks over to you.

“You do remember we are in the Avengers compound, right? I mean Tony Stark?” You let Dean put it together.

“Son of a bitch!" Dean starts looking around the room. “Are there cameras here too?” You think for a second then remember that Natasha made Tony remove them during contrition. Tony tried to explain they were for protection, but Nat convinced him that if intruders got that far they were already done for.

“No, we have Natasha to thank for that.” You kiss Dean sweetly before getting up.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to take a quick shower then go meet up with Steve.”

“So, you are going to go?”

“Dean, we do have jobs here. It’s not all about your case.” You smile. “Don’t worry.” You say before going into the bathroom to quickly shower. Dean watching you from the bed. He wants to join you in the shower as well as in your little meeting. He sighs then goes to his bag to dig out some clothes.


	8. Done Cannot Be Undone

When you get to Steve’s office you knock lightly. You can see Steve inside pouring over papers. He looks up and waves you in. You step inside closing the door behind you. You look around debating on sitting on a chair in front of his desk or the sofa over by the window. You opt for the sofa. Deciding it wasn’t as impersonal. You want to make sure the door to Steve and you reconciling remains open as long as possible.

As you walk over to the sofa Steve gets up and walks over to the windows facing into the hallway. He hits a button turning them from clear to frosted glass. You arch a brow at that but say nothing. He stops and locks the door as well before sitting next to you.

“Steve, what is going on?”

“I just wanted to talk to you uninterrupted.”

“Ok…” You shift a little uncomfortable.

“How are you settling in?”

“Um… I still haven’t gotten a chance to check out my room yet.”

“Oh…I thought. Nat said she showed you to your rooms.”

“Yeah, she did. I just needed to make some more accommodations.” You look around for a moment then decide to just be honest. “I wanted my own room.”

Steve looks at you, studying your face for a moment. “You’re not?”

“No, I mean yes we have been, but I just think.” You cannot figure out how to put it gently. “I feel like I should have my own room, my own space.”

“You’re still trying to figure out what you want.”

“Kind of.” You want to tell Steve that you know but you don’t want to argue with him. And honestly, after these last few days without Steve, you are beginning to wonder about your feelings for Dean. “I wanted my own space, and I didn’t want to shove anything in your face.” You admit.

“So you and Dean, you are…together.”

You look at him and see the hurt there. You look away before answering. “We are something, but not officially a couple. I think we are just feeling things out.” You go quiet for a minute. Steve shifts slightly away from you for a moment and you feel pain in your heart knowing this has to be hurting him. “I told him I need time, to sort through everything.” You reach out for Steve. Taking the hand he has resting on his thigh in yours, you smile at him. “I wasn’t ready to give up on us yet.”

Steve’s heart skips a beat. This is exactly what he was hoping to hear. There is still a chance he can fix what he broke. A chance we can work through the deception and pain that you both have caused. “I’m not either.”

“Then why?” You feel relief and pain in equal measure. “You ended our relationship. You practically pushed me into Dean. Why did you do that if you wanted this to work?”

“I thought you needed to explore what was left.” Steve begins.

“What was left?” You can’t believe what you are hearing. “What was left of what? The destruction of the relationship I ONCE had with Dean. The pain I felt losing my daughter. Or how about the way I betrayed not only you but everyone but running into danger, lying about what I was doing and cheating on the two men I have had the fortune to love in my life.” You realize after you finished your rant that you were yelling at Steve.

“Hey, hey…’ Steve reaches out pulling you into his arms. “I’m sorry.” He whispers against the top of your head. “Baby… let's just leave the past where it belongs.”

“Steve, I can’t keep running.” You feel yourself starting to sob, pulling his tighter to you. “I tired and…” You take a breath trying to calm yourself. “Steve if I had faced my problems I wouldn’t be here.” Steve runs his hands down the back of your head, smoothing out your hair.

“Doll, I’m right here. No more running.” He pulls back looking down at you. You look up into his eyes. His face is a blur as you try to make out his features through your tears.

“Steve…” You want to tell him you love him. To tell him you need him. You want to apologize for all the things you’d done. To tell him that you have this horrible habit of sabotaging everything good in your life. But you don’t get to say anything. Steve leans in kissing you softly. You immediately respond kissing him back. It is heavenly and you missed the feeling of it.

Steve breaks the kiss leaving you wanting more. “Doll…I don’t want to confuse you.”

“Steve, I’m not confused.”

“I wish that were true,” Steve says pushing you away, putting a small distance between the two of you. “But I can’t give you up either.”

You groan. You want Steve back, but he is right. You still have feelings for Dean, and to be honest you have feelings for Cas too. But Cas is not so much a problem. Dean, however…you need to find a way to put things right there. And save him from himself while you’re at it.

“Steve, I understand. I need to get things right with Dean. But can we just…” You trail your fingers up over his cheek. You don’t need to say more. Steve grabs you pulling you into his lap. His mouth crushing into yours. You card your hands into his hair and grind yourself against him. His hands moving from your waist and under your shirt. They travel up your back, pushing you against him. 

Then you hear a banging on the door. The sounds startling the two of you apart. You instantly feel shame for what you were doing. ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ You chastise yourself, moving off of Steve’s lap. Steve gets up going to answer the door. His hair is tousled, and his shirt collar is askew. He looks like he was in the middle of a heavy petting session. Which he basically was.

When Steve opens the door, you want to crawl behind the sofa. Green eyes bore into yours, and you feel about two inches tall. “I came here to see if Y/N needed my help. Apparently, she is fine without me.”

“Dean! I...” You get up from the sofa and head to the door after him. You don’t know why you feel the need to soothe him, or the need to apologize but you do. “I have to go.” You say to Steve as you chase Dean down the hall. 

Steve watches as you chase Dean. He didn’t want things to go this way but at least they are going somewhere. He goes back over to his desk and resumes going through his paperwork. Now it's up to Nat to figure out what should be done next.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“Dean…” You call after him He just keeps walking. When he gets to his room, he slams the door. You open it and enter, closing it behind you. Dean walks into the kitchen pulling out a bottle and pouring himself a large drink. “Dean. Talk to me?”

“What is there to talk about?” Dean growls taking a huge swig of the drink.

“Dean, we are not together.”

“Felt like we were just an hour ago.”

“Dean, we are having sex. It doesn’t make us a couple! You should know!”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Dean you have had more than your share of one-night stands.”

“Oh, so that is what I am now? A one-night stand?” Dean spins around on you. Anger all over his face. “Well, Sweetheart. I have news for you. A one-night stand is a one-time deal!  
We…” he motions frantically between eh two of you. “We are not a one-time thing!”

“Dean, that is not what I meant.”

“Oh, so you mean like what you did to Cas.”

“Dean.”

“No, ‘cause you weren’t there to see it. But when you disappeared Cas was heartbroken. He thought the two of you were building something.”

“I…” This s is new information to you.

“Yeah, the little punk actually cared about you.” Dean pours more alcohol into his glass.

“Dean. I still love Steve.”

“Oh, that’s good. And you’re telling me this now!”

“Dean, I’ve tried to tell you.” Dean looks up at you. His eyes never leaving yours, but you can tell he is thinking. “I told you I was with someone.”

“But then he left you.” Dean counters.

“That doesn’t mean I still don’t love him.”

“Well, isn’t that convenient! You leave me and tell me the feelings are over. But with him it's different.”

“It is Dean.”

“Whatever.” Dean dismisses you. “Go. Play with your little boy toy. I am done with this.” Dean drains the glass in his hand. He looks at the bottle as if he is about to pour another drink then just takes a long swig straight from the bottle. “GOD DAMNIT!” Dean yells at you throwing the empty glass at the wall next to you.

You jump and quickly leave, tears streaming down your face. You can’t understand why you are always hurting those you care about. Why everything you touch turns bad. It's almost as if you can’t find happiness, as if you are not allowed to be happy. The images of Steve's hurt face when he first saw you with Dean and again when he left you flash in your mind. All the times you hurt Dean flashing in the mix. You remember the look on Dean’s face when Cas tells him the baby is gone. The devastation there. Even Cas had a pained look on his face when he could not save the baby. Nothing by pain, destruction, and disappointment. That is all you bring to the table. You are about to go into your room when 

Nat catches you.

“Hey, Y/N.”

“Nat. it's not a good time.” Natasha stops a couple of feet from you. 

“What happened?”

“Dean and I…” you begin but the sobs you’ve been holding back cut loose. “And then Steve and I…But Dean…” You are making no sense. Your sobbing preventing you from  
getting it out.

“Hey, come here.” She wraps an arm over your shoulders. “Come on, there are some drinks at the bar calling our names.”


	9. Rehashing The Past

“Hey, come here.” She wraps an arm over your shoulders. “Come on, there’s some drinks at the bar calling our names.” You follow Natasha into the common room and to the bar. You drop into the seat as Natasha walks around the bar and begins to prepare you both drinks.

“Nat, I appreciate the effort, but I don’t think drinks are going to fix this.”

“No.” She tips her head to the side, then looks back up to you. “I am not trying to fix anything. Just understand what is going on.”

“Argh. If you want to know that, I’ll need a stronger drink.” Natasha just nods, adding another fifth to your glass. “So, what do you want to know?”

“Well, I can see what drew you to our new roommate, but why so devoted?”

“It’s a long, complicated situation.”

“Give me the short version.” You nod taking a huge drink from the glass in front of you.

“First it was Sam setting Lucifer free. That is how we met. Then we had to face the horsemen. Then Cas becoming God. That was hard on us both. I had gotten very close to Cas by that point. Then the Leviathan, Dean and Cas going to purgatory. When they get back Dean has to fight a knight of hell and Cas gets manipulated into banning all the Angels from heaven.” You gently roll the glass of bourbon between your fingers. 

“So now Cas is stealing other angel grace in order to defeat Metatron and Dean takes on the Mark of Cain. That was my tipping point. Dean started to become more visceral. He would attack almost everything. He became a brutal hunter. I set out to fix it and well if became worse. Dean was too far gone. I saw our only chance to help him in Cas. Cas and I set out to find his grace, both to stop Cas from having to steal more grace from others and to stop Dean from getting worse.” You pause to finish off your glass and shoving it to Nat for a refill. She takes it quickly replacing it with another.

“Cas and I…we go too confident. I found out that Metatron was holding Cas’s grace. I tried to go after the grace and well… I thought with Metatron in heaven the grace would be unguarded, but Metatron had a few followers who were protecting the grace, they got to me first. After losing the baby trying and failing to save Dean.” You gulp down more alcohol starting to feel a comfortable numbness. “Dean died came back as a demon and you were left to deal with the loss of your little girl alone. That is how Cas and I became lovers.” You down the rest of your drink, hoping that Nat will let the rest go. But of course, she does not even hesitate to ask you questions.

“So, Dean was a demon?”

“Yeah, when he died the Mark made him a demon. Something about not letting him die.” You mumble not wanting to relive the days of Demon Dean.

“And you were having sex with…Castiel.”

“Yes…” You know where this is going.

“He’s an angel. Do you really think that was a good idea?”

“It’s not the same. He’s not…he’s different.”

“If you say so.” Natasha smiles at you. “So, what made you decide to leave?”

You consider this for a moment. “I want to say it was Amara, and Dean’s inability to kill her. I mean Sam couldn’t see it, but I could, but it wasn’t that.” You sigh looking down at your drink, downing it all in one drink. “It was Dean after he was no longer a demon. He was struggling with the mark, which is what I kept telling myself. But it was more than that.” You pause looking at Natasha. You consider what you should tell her and what to leave out. “Dean was cold after he became human again. Distant. Casa was there for me in ways Dean tried but couldn’t. When I tried to talk to him about losing our little girl he’d shut down and blamed himself.” 

You wait to see if this will satisfy Nat, but she just stares back at you expectantly. “I kept seeing Cas for a while, secretly of course. But then eventually…I’m not sure if it was guilt or shame. But I had enough. I packed up and left.” 

“Uh-huh,” Nat says raising an eyebrow. “So, you never really ended it with either of them.”

“I left.” You offer in defiance.

“Yeah, but you had no closure. Not really.”

“Well, I think that I am getting it now.” You sigh, downing another full glass of bourbon. “Just not with the ones I want it with.”

“So not getting anywhere with you and Steve?”

“No, we are…” You smile for a moment then the smile fades as you think about the rest of the situation. “But we were interrupted by Dean.”

“Oh…” She nods now knowing why you were crying when she found you. “So, Dean?”

“Is understandably pissed.”

“I see why you wanted your own room.”

“This is going to get messier before it’s done.”

“You still need to end things with Dean?”

“Yeah, and well…I think he’s getting to like things here.”

“Well, he is a skilled hunter. We could use someone of his talent in our occult division.” You look at her trying to see if she is serious.

“Nat. I know you…”

“Relax. I won’t offer it until I know that all of our team is okay with it.” You nod. Feelings aside Dean would be a good addition. And with the resources at his disposal, he could go far and do much more than he has before.

“I think your biggest obstacle would be Steve.”

“Agreed.”

“I think I should talk to him about it too, but later.” You think for a minute. “Right now, we need to work on how we get a soul bomb to Amara without her knowing.”

“Yeah, Tony had an idea about that.”

“Yeah?”

“He was thinking, with the help of Helen Cho, he could create…”

“A substitute body.”

“Yes, between his robotics and the epidermis Dr. Cho can replicate him close enough we think.”

“We’d need to test it. We only have one chance at this.”

“Of course.”

You pour yourself another glass downing it in one gulp, then pour another. “You know Dean might not even want to…” You pause. “He might just be ready to die for this.”

“Well, that would be a waste.” Natasha’s flat tone hiding her frustration.

“It’s still worth a try.”

“Agreed.”

“So…” Natasha smiles mischievously. “You and an angel?”

“I told you it’s not like what you think.”

“So, he’s not a servant of God?”

“Yes, he is, but God doesn’t really care.”

“Really?”

“Nope. He’s a lot more progressive than you’d believe.”

“Huh.” She considers this. “Does he even know how to…” She trails off raising an eyebrow at you.

“Oh, Christ! Nat! Really?”

“Well, a girl wonders.” She smirks.

“Fine.” You swallow your glass of bourbon. And pour another before swallowing that down too. “He was fine…good.” You choke out.

“Just good?” Nat can tell there is more. 

“Fine! He was the best sex I ever had! OK!?!” You admit drinking down another glass then pouring one more. Drinking half of that one too. You can feel full-on sloshy drunkenness.

“Damn. Why didn’t you stay with him?”

“I…because of Dean. I was worried about what would happen if I moved on with his best friend.”

“Understandable.”

“You would have stayed with him?” a voice says from across the room. Both you and Natasha spin around seeing Steve standing in the entrance.

“Steve…” You gasp. You wonder how much he heard.

“You love him?”

“No Steve. I don’t.”

“I...I can’t do this.” Steve says turning and leaving.

“Steve!”

“I’ll talk to him,” Natasha says resting a hand on your shoulder.

“Don’t bother! I can’t keep trying to explain my past.” You blurt out. You’re not sure if the outburst is because of your drunken state or the truth. You storm off to your room.  
Natasha watches you before heading after Steve.

You get to your new room. Inside you find that Natasha must have moved all your stuff into the room. Great! Another thing that hurt Steve. You drop onto the bed in tears. This is such a mess, and it’s your mess. You created this.

You walk into the bathroom, your mantra of pain and destruction still running through your mind. You intend on a long bath, something to soothe the hurt and pain you are feeling. When you reach into the shower you see all your toiletries are arranged perfectly. When your eyes trail over your shaver you pause. Dark thoughts filling your mind, but you push them away. You reach out and turn the shower on as hot as you can stand it.

You undress slowly thinking about what is coming. You are sure you are on the verge of losing Steve again. Dean is about to sacrifice himself to save the world, again. It all feels like too much. Tears start streaming down your face. You get into the shower, the hot water streaming down your face. It doesn’t help, your mind still racing with thoughts of how alone you are going to be when you lose both Dean and Steve. You’ll probably be forced to move out. You won’t be able to go back to the bunker wither. Not with Dean dead. Sam will quit hunting and you won’t have any place to go. You’ll have to start over again, alone.

You can’t. You don’t want to be alone, not again. You look around the shower. Your eyes finding the razor. You pick it up quickly breaking open the head and removing a razor. You start at it for a moment before slicing into your arm deep. You watch as the blood pours from your arm and into the drain. Blood mixing with water to create a beautiful swirl against the white tile. You are mesmerized by the dance of swirls as you feel yourself going weak. You sit on the small bench ledge in the shower. The pink trail taking a different route when its source is moved. You lean back against the wall. The need to close your eyes overtaking you.


	10. The Descent

“Y/N…Y/N…” You hear a voice but it’s so far away, it’s muffled. You feel warm, but the warmth feels odd. It’s like a comfortable blanket surrounding you. The odd part is that you can’t feel your body. It's like you are numb but warm at the same time. “Why would you do this?” the same voice speaks again. You feel yourself moan as you suddenly feel lighter. Your head falls to the side landing against something soft. You sigh. The softness is exactly what you need.

You feel yourself slipping further, falling but not falling then suddenly you are more aware. You can feel yourself. A different warmth enveloping you. This time you can feel it racing through your body, your veins. You feel like you are on fire for a second then completely calm and soothed.

“Y/N, talk to me. Why would you do this to yourself.” The voice is more clear to you now. You know who it is speaking. His arms are wrapped around you cradling you against him. The smell of fresh air and pine? No forest, filling your senses. You simply snuggle further into him. You just want to get lost in him, his smell, and his arms. The comfort of him.

“I lost everyone today.” You say in a choked tone.

“I’m still here,” Cas says softly. Running his hand over your head. “I’ll always be here.” You scoot up to bury your face in his neck. You need to feel more of him. His presence soothing to you, calming your distress.

“I can’t go on alone. I lose anyone else I love. It hurts too much.”

“I’m here.” This time more of a confused tone.

“I lost my baby, then Dean, and now Steve.” You sob. “I just can’t…” You trail off in tears.

“Y/N, I am here. I will always be here. However, you want me to be.” Cas soothes, holding you while you break down. After a short time. You fall asleep crying in his arms. Cas lays you back on the bed resting you on his chest, not wanting to move you too much. When he settles in you snuggle into him. He lays there with you for what may be an hour or so when he hears a knock on the door of your room. Cas struggles with whether or not to move you when he hears the door opening slowly.

“Y/N, I talked with Nat. She told me…” Steve stop talking when he enters your room. He sees you curled up with Cas on the bed. You have a throw blanket draped over you. The blanket does little to hide your form, giving up the fact that you are naked underneath. 

Steve quickly looks from you to Cas whose shirt is unbuttoned and tie unknotted and draping over his chest. His shoes are off and next to the bed. “I…” Steve turns away about ready to leave when Cas calls him back.

“It’s not what it looks like.” Cas call after him low enough to not disturb your sleep.

“Then what is it?” Steve’s voice is harsh but low.

“She was in terrible pain when I heard her,” Cas says softly looking down at you. “When I found her she was in the shower.”

“Not comforting.” Steve interrupts.

“She tried to kill herself. She slit her wrists.” Cas continues, irritated at the interruption. Steve’s expression immediately softens as he quickly closes the distance between the bed and himself.

“Is she okay? Doesn’t she need a Doctor?” Steve fires questions at Cas.

“I healed her.” 

“Thank you.”

“I didn’t do it for you. She was dying. I almost lost her because you and Dean can’t seem to…” He pauses caught for a moment. “As you humans say. ‘Get your shit in order.’ You keep pulling her in then pushing her away. It’s too much for her.” Cas is now glaring at Steve who is studying her face. 

“If I had not gotten here when I did the two of you wouldn’t have anyone to be fighting over!” Cas sighs, looking down at you when he feels you shifting a bit. You mumble something incoherent then slide your hand into his shirt across his chest. Steve notices the movement but says nothing.

“Can I?” Steve motions to you.

“No!” Cas practically growls. He stops then looks down at you to make sure you’re still asleep. “I think it best if the both of you give her some space, at least for now.”

“I think she should have a say in that,” Steve says loudly and sternly. This seems to startle you slightly.

“Cas…hmmm.” You nuzzle into his neck. “Turn it down.” You mumble before falling back into a deep sleep. Your hand slides further into Cas's shirt as your leg drapes over him.

“I think that was sufficient.” Cas glares at Steve. Steve looks down at you then back to Cas.

“Tell her I want to talk to her when she wakes up.” He spouts and turns to leave. When he gets to the door he pauses. “And don’t get too cozy. No matter who I have to go through, I’m getting my best girl back.”

Cas waits for Steve to leave before leaning down and lightly giving you a kiss on the forehead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“Dean, you are doing the same thing you did before.” Sam reminds him.

“Oh yeah, Sammy? And what’s that?”

“You get angry and instead of talking to her you bury your feelings and mask them with anger.”

“That is not…” Dean starts to protest but Sam arches an eyebrow at him. “She still loves him!”

“You knew that.” Sam reminds him. “She loves you too though. The two of you, you share a bond stronger than love. You’ve suffered together with the loss of a child. That is something that no one can touch.”

“He may not be able to touch our bond but he can sure as hell touch her body.”

“Dean!”

“What? You think that I can just let that slide?”

“No, and not one is asking you to. I just think that until the situation becomes more stable, maybe you should try talking to her and seeing where her head is at. She is probably trying to figure out what’s going on herself.”

“Sam…I just got her back.”

“You are a couple again?”

“Well, I think so.”

“Did she say that she wants to start over?”

“No…” Dean’s face drops. “I just…”

“Dean. If you don’t tell her you to want more how is she supposed to know?” Dean looks down into his lap. ‘DAMN IT, Dean! Have you   
not learned ANYTHING?!” Sam’s aggravation coming clearer as his patience wears thin.

“Sam. What do you want from me? You want me to crawl on my hands and knees to her and beg her to take me back? Should I just ignore that she wants Steve and I’m a consolation prize. What should I do?”

“Just talk to her. Tell her how you feel and what you want. Then she will know where she stands with you.”

“She already knows.”

“Really? Like she knew before?”

“Go to hell Sam! You know what I mean.”

“Dean I’m just saying you need to tell her. She can’t just make assumptions and you can’t assume she knows.”

“Fine.” Dean concedes. “I’ll go get my chic click on if you think that’ll help.”

Sam sighs. “Dean, if you’re not sincere it won’t help at all.”

“I’ll be sincere.” Dean groans like a petulant child. He heads to the door before turning back to Sam. “I need to make this right. I need to settle things before…” He trails off before turning and walking out the door.

He steps out the door and turns to see Steve in the hall, staring at your door as if it were the toughest riddle in the world. After Dean takes a few more steps closer Steve turns to look at him. Steve walks to him, forming a barricade between him and the door to your room. “I think that you and your ‘family’ should have left her alone.” Dean tries to move around Steve. Be Steve squares off against him. “If you are looking for Y/N she is…preoccupied,” Steve says not sure how else to say it. Not willing to put to words what was actually happening. Unable to accept the situation he had walked into. 

“Yeah, well she better get unoccupied!” Dean says, eyes locking with Steve’s. The anger and resentment burning into Steve. He shoves past Steve and heads to your room. Steve looks over his shoulder shaking his head before walking away.

It only takes a few more seconds to get to your room. He looks over to make sure Steve is gone before he knocks lightly then waits. 

After a minute he knocks again, the door opening before he can finish. 

Cas looks at Dean then back over his shoulder at your sleeping form. “She is still asleep.”

“What the hell are you doing here?” Dean asks Cas. His voice a harsh whisper.

“She was upset and dying,” Cas says trying to make sure you are still asleep. He steps into the hall shutting the door behind him. “I found her in the shower Dean. She slit her wrists. She was bleeding out, saying. I found her just in time. She needs rest.”

“WHAT?” Dean tries to get past him into your room to check on you. 

“I said she is sleeping.” Cas grabs Dean’s arm yanking him back into the hallway and away from the door. “And I don’t think you or 

Steve should be around her right now.”

“Oh really? And why is that?”

“The both of you are the source of her pain. She needs time to heal. He needs time to calm herself, and she cannot do that with the two of you near her, fighting.” Dean looks down. Something inside him knows he is right. He and Steve have been so involved in fighting with each other that neither of them actually thought about how all this was affecting you.

“Oh, and you’re just a fountain of joy?”

“She asked me to stay.” Cas answers simply. Behind Cas you shift on the bed, reaching out for him. Cas sees the movement. “I need to go. I’ll tell her you want to see her when she wakes.” Cas steps back closing the door in Dean’s face.


	11. Divide and Conquer

You wake when you feel Cas crawling back into bed. “Where’d you go?” you ask hazily wrapping yourself around him as if he was a body pillow.

“Had to talk to Dean.” Cas answers brushing your hair away from your face. This jars you further awake.

“Dean was here?”

“Yes.”

You sit up and instantly feel dizzy. You lay back down. “Why was Dean here?”

“He insists on speaking with you. They both are.” You can tell Cas is either irritated or hurt.

“Oh.” Is all you can manage to say. You feel confused. You thought you lost them. You were sure of it. You realize that you have a chance. That you can finally do something right. You can set things right. You feel the weight of the last few days the anger and sadness, the grief from the assumed loss melting away. The more your mind focuses on how you can finally fix this the better you feel.

“You want me to have them come talk to you?” His question pulling you from your thoughts.

“Not yet. I need a few minutes.” You lay on your back and stare at the ceiling.

“Y/N?”

“Yeah?” You ask while focusing on yourself trying to figure out if you’re feeling well enough to get up.

“I am worried about you.”

“You are?”

“Yes. Y/N you almost died. You tried to kill yourself. What is going on with you? I want to help.”

“Cas…you can’t. I need to figure this out on my own.”

“I can’t sit by and watch you hurting. You know that.” You feel your heart swelling from his proclamation. “Dean is not right for you. 

You know that deep down. He keeps hurting you. The two of you are in some loop of pain and self-sacrifice. Something needs to change.”

“Cas, it has. I left him. I was with Steve.” You shift over onto your side to study him. You watch his brows furrow as he thinks about what you said. Your eyes glancing over his crystal blue eyes and then down to his soft pink lips. You feel a pull to lea in and meet those soft pink lips with yours. You want to lose yourself in the comfort and safety that they hold. Just as you did before when you lost Dean and your baby. 

You feel yourself leaning forward further into him. You see his eyes flickering to your lips and then up to meet your eyes, questioning. You can feel his breath on your skin as if taunting you, begging you to close the distance. You run your hand over his chest, the warmth radiating from under the taut muscles offering even more comfort. Your hand rests over his chest feeling the steady beat of his heart, a calming steady heartbeat. Yours is racing compared to his. Your body focuses on his heartbeat trying to will yours to match.

“Y/N, you need to take time for yourself,” Cas whispers against your lips. “Even away from me.” He finishes as he pushes you slowly and gently away from his lips.

“I…” You are not sure what you want to say. Part of you wants to tell Cas you’re done fighting with those men. That you are tired of being pulled in all these different directions. But another part wants to apologize for pulling him into this and leading him on.

“Shhh…I understand,” Cas says. “As I said before I will always be here or you, in whatever way you need me to be.” He lays a kiss on the top of your head. “I will go and get Dean.” He says softly leaving you on the bed, alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Dean finds his way to the common room to find Steve leaning against the bar a drink in his hand. He studies Steve for a moment debating on turning around and heading back the way he came. He is about to do that, not wanting to face the man who took away the only source of happiness he has ever known, when the source of his pain speaks.

“Don’t let me stop you.” Steve’s voice carries. “It never has before.” The last part is softer and barely reaches Dean’s ears. Dean runs a hand over his face and walks over to the bar. He glances over at Steve one more time before sitting down. Dean is trying really hard to not reach over and punch Steve in the jaw. Dean’s mind focusing on Steve’s comment. Steve was the one who took you away. Dean blamed him for everything.

“That’s rich coming from you.” Dean grunts reaching for the bottle sitting on the bar and pouring himself a drink.

“How’s that?” Steve tips his head to the side.

“If it wasn’t for you. She’d be back with me where she belongs.” Dean’s eyes stay locked on his newly poured drink. “She wouldn’t be trying to kill herself, again.”

“What?” Steve turns fully facing Dean now. “She did what? When?”

Dean shakes his head. “Really man?” he looks over at Steve. Sizing him up for a moment. “You really have no clue, do you?”

“She has never…” Steve is beginning to wonder if Dean is trying to goad him into another fight. “You are lying. Y/N would never do that to herself.”

Dean just shakes his head. “Why do you think Cas is with her? He saved her; he’s healing her.” Dean downs his drink before pulling himself another. The burn of it going down distracting him from his own truth. He is scared that you are going back to Cas. That the two of them pushed you so far away that you have given up and chose the angel over them.

“I thought…” Steve pauses trying to wrap his mind around this reality, comparing it to what he saw when he tried to talk to you earlier. “Is she okay?”

“Well Cas is good at healing, so yeah she’ll be fine.” Dean thinks back to the last time you did this. Right after you lost the baby. You ran and when they found you, you were very drunk and foaming at the mouth from sleeping pills. It took Cas days to get you right mentally. “She may need some time,” Dean adds.

Steve nods then downs his drink. “Do you actually care about her?”

“Do you?” Dean counters.

“Do you even have to ask?” Steve’s voice is low, and if Dean knew him better, he would be able to hear the pain and sadness in his voice. But Dean doesn’t, what Dan does feel from the words are challenged.

“Listen, obviously we both love her.” Dean downs another rink and pours out more and drinks most of that as well. “We both want her, but only one of us can have her.”

“Obviously.” Steve agrees sarcastically.

“So maybe it would be best if we took a step back.” Dean eyes his drink as he rolls it between his fingertips. “Maybe Cas s right and we need to give her space.” Dean has no intention of giving you space, at least not for long. But if he could get a few days with you without Steve stepping in he could solidify your relationship. He almost had you before, before you all came here. “Maybe we could focus on defeating Amara. That is the reason we are here isn’t it?” 

“Yes, I think you have a point.” Steve agrees. Amara is a threat to everything. If he wants to build a life with you, give you everything he has hoped to, everything you asked for. A simple life away from war and fighting, away from everything supernatural. “So, what is the plan?”

“I thought you could tell me?” And that is just what Dean wants. A way to distract Steve so he can move in and take what is his.


	12. Two Men and a Lady

Cas finds the two men in the common room. The sight sending a confusing mix of relief and concern into him. He wonders if he should still tell Dean to go and talk to you knowing that if he does Steve will insist on seeing you too.

“Dean.” He calls out from the entry. “Can I speak to you for a moment?” Cas figures if he can get Dean alone, he can send him in to see you alone. Then if that goes okay, he will talk to Steve. Cas stay still as he watches Dean turn on the stool then stand and make his way across the room. The concerned look on Dean’s face is mirrored on Steve’s. Realizing in that moment that he needs to offer an excuse for talking to Dean alone. “Sam has a question about your encounter with Amara.”

“Why doesn’t he come and ask me himself?” Dean spouts off, grumpy about being interrupted in his drinking.

“He is in the middle of a tome.” Cas offers as an excuse. He feels a pang of guilt about lying to him. Cas senses a suspicious essence in the air and looks to see Steve eyeing them suspiciously. Cas continues studying Steve as Dean reaches him. Seeing Cas’s eyes locked on something Dean turns to see Steve staring.

“Hey, Sam might have something. Can you see where Tony is with Robo-Me?” Steve blinks then glances over at Dean. 

“Yes, Tony should get an update.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“Y/N wants to talk to you, the both of you.”

“Really? Is she okay?”

“She is better.” Cas turns and starts to lead Dean to your door. The entire walk over Dean is going through his mind with exactly what he wants to say. How he is going to try to convince you that he wants to start over, to do right this time. 

“Dean, she is still a bit anxious so try to not upset her.”

“Okay. Yeah, I got it.”

Cas nods and steps back. He is about to turn and leave, but Dean stops him.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean turns to look at him. “Thanks. I know you could have…Why didn’t you ask Steve to talk to her first. I know you think he’s better for her.”

“Dean.” Cas looks down to his feet trying to figure out how to say what he feels without alienating Dean from him. “My bringing you here to see her; it was her choice.” He studies Dean’s face looking for a reaction but there is nothing there but a confused face. “If it were my decision.” Cas stops trying to stifle his tone as he feels frustration rising inside at the whole situation. “I think you and Steve are hurting her by fighting over her and with her. I think both of you need to let her go. To give her space.”

Dean’s anger begins to spin. “Oh, you do huh? Is that so you can move in and take her from me again?”

“Dean…I…That is not what I mean. I just want what is best for her.”

“And you think I’m not that? Cas we’ve been friends for years, man. You saw us together. How can you say that?”

“That’s exactly why I can say that.” Cas scolds Dean. “You can’t possibly think that the way your relationship went is an example as to why you are good for her can you?” 

Dean is starting to become even angrier. He decides to shoe that aside. He wasn’t about to start a battle on two fronts. “Well then, I guess it’s a good thing that it’s not up to you.” Dean scowls and moves past Cas to the door knocking. 

Cas reaches around Dean and opens the door. “She is expecting us.”

“Us?”

“I will be here until I am sure she is okay talking with you.” Cas steps past Dean and into the room.

Dean huffs out a breath and follows behind “Cas what are you now? Her damned keeper?”

Cas reaches the living area of your suite before turning back on Dean. “No, I am just someone who cares about her well-being.”

“Cas!” You exclaim seeing him when you come out of your bedroom. You walk over giving him a hug as if you haven’t seen him for weeks instead of just minutes. You look over his shoulder and see Dean. Your heart begins racing. You are happy he’s here, you look around quickly and see that Steve didn’t come. You can’t help but feel disappointed a bit, but then you refocus back on the fact that Dean is here. “Dean.” You address him your tone very different more controlled and lower.

“Cas said you wanted to talk?” It sounds more like a question than a statement. You feel yourself drifting, getting lost in the palpable magnetism between you and Dean. Your plans to talk to him and tell him that you want to be with Steve quickly evaporating. Being in the room with him, with his hopeful eyes seeping into yours, you begin to wonder if you are wrong. Maybe Dean needs to be given a second chance. Maybe you were wrong to think he hasn’t changed.

“Yeah.” Your voice is weak. 

Cas hear this and immediately turns you to him. “Are you okay? Is this too soon? We can do this another time.” Your heart melts at his concern. You glance at him then back to Dean. You feel so blessed to have such attractive and impressive men concerned for you. You feel Cas’s hand slip over your waist, and you look over to him. The concern on his face suddenly reminding you that they wanted to know if you were okay.

“Oh, yeah Cas I’m good.” You smile at Cas. For the first time in a while, it doesn’t feel forced. “Can you give us some time alone?”

Cas looks to Dean then back at you. He seems to be hesitant but then nods. “If you need me just pray.” He says to you then looks over to Dean. “I will come immediately.” Dean glares back at him.

“Thanks, Cas.” Your answer. Cas leans over kissing you on the forehead then walks out leaving you alone with Dean. You watch him, feeling as if a part of you is walking out with him. The new sensation is disorientating to you. 

You watch the door long after he is gone. Partly because you already want Cas back. You want the safety and security his presence brings. Another part of you is unsure how you should proceed with talking to Dean. Unsure of what to say now that what you originally planned has taken a completely different direction.

“Cas told me about what you did last night.” Dean’s hurt obvious, and it makes you feel even more saddened knowing that what you did hurt him.

“Dean…” You want to explain, to comfort him, to defend yourself from the backlash you are sure is coming.

“Did I push you to that?” he asks you barely above a whisper. Your heart drops.

“Dean, no…” You try to comfort him. You step closer to him putting your hand on his heart. The feel of his heart calming you. He looks down at where you are touching him and brings his hand up placing it over yours. Your eyes drop to where your hands are touching, then back to his. “I only did that because I thought I lost you.”

Dean closes his hand around yours. Your eyes go back to where your hand is in his, still resting on his chest. “You will never lose me, Y/N.” His voice strangled with emotions. When you look up you see tears pooling in his eyes. “I can’t lose you either.” 

Your heart starts pounding in your chest. The emotions he is showing you are so foreign and new, they are overwhelming you. You reach your free hand up and run it over his bristled cheek. “Dean, I…I’m sorry.” 

Dean doesn’t say anything, but he leans down and softly captures your lips with his. His lips are soft and gentle. You start to lose yourself in it in him but then you remember why you are here. 

Gently you break the kiss, pulling away. Dean pulls back, searching your face in confusion. “Dean, we need to talk.”  
“What is there to talk about?” Dean says trying to resume what he was doing.

“Dean.” You can feel your frustration surfacing. “I mean it.”

“Fine.” Dean steps back immediately looking defensive with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Dean, don’t shut down on me.” You warn him, feeling a sense of whiplash at his change in demeanor.

“I’m fine.” He says but you can tell he is not.

“I never meant to hurt you.” You begin as you motion for Dean to sit on the sofa next to you.

“I know.” Dean sits down next to you, but there is a noticeable distance between the two of you that you can’t help but feel hurt by it.

“I just wanted you to know that I love Steve.” You want to more, but Dean interrupts you.

“You think I don’t know that!” Dean growls at you without looking your way.

“BUT!” You wait for him to look up at you. You want to make sure he hears these other words. I can’t deny that I still care for you too.”

Dean seems to be taking in what you are saying, absorbing it. As the information sinks in you can see his expressions changing, from hurt to acceptance then to something between determination and hope. “YOu still care about me?”

“Of course.” You move a bit closer, taking his hand in yours, missing that connection. “I never stopped.”

“But you don’t love me anymore.” The questioning hope that is there makes you want to say you do but you know it would be a lie, at least right now. You know your feelings for him are growing the more time you spend with him, but you don’t love him. Not right now. 

“No, but I may come to again.” You watch his reaction as you say it. Hoping that it pleases him. 

Dean considers your words. “You will if I can have anything to say about it.” The challenge in his words are not lost on you. They send a pleasant chill of anticipation through you. You see him leaning in, moving closer to you. Part of you wants to stop him. 

“Are we done talking?” He asks you gruffly. You have more you want to say. You need him to know that you are going to try to talk to Steve. That you need to know if you have a chance to salvage anything with Steve. But that damned pull, like an invisible gravity pushing and pulling you into Dean’s orbit. A force that has always been there between you and Dean is there tugging you in. Keeping you from stopping Dean. Before you can break free of the allure of Dean, he captures your lips again. This time running his hands over your body. One hand going to your waist pulling your body in, the other going to the back of your neck wrapping itself into your hair.

This time you give in. letting yourself get lost in him, part of you is wanting to let yourself get lost in him. Hoping that maybe by letting yourself go you and erase the past. Erase the pain you caused each other in the past, erase the loss of your baby girl.  
Dean pulls you closer when he feels you relaxing into the kiss. You run your hand over his chest slowly then wrap it around his neck. Dean breaks the kiss and begins peppering kisses down your neck. 

His hand holding your head moves between your shoulders as he gently pushes you down on to the sofa. You let yourself fall back with him following. When you are both settled, Dean’s lips move back up to your lips and your hands move to his back. Slowly running over his shirt taking in the contours of his muscles.

Dean’s hands make their way under your shirt and your body hums from his touch. He pulls back to look at you. “Maybe we should move this to the bedroom.” Dean’s voice is low and wonton. Your mind freezes. What are you doing? Why am I kissing him? How the hell did it get here?

“Dean we can’t.” You breathe out. Your body screaming at you to stop talking, not even sure why you are saying what you are saying. “I can’t do this right now.”

Dean quickly gets up leaving you laying there as your body feels a chill from the loss of his body against yours. “Why the hell not?” Dean snaps spinning on you.

“I am not sure how I feel right now.”

Dean closes the distance but leaves a few inches between the two of you. You are not sitting up on the sofa but did not stand, leaving Dean standing in front of you. You look up at him. “You sure seemed like you knew how you were feeling.”

“Dean. I am not denying I am attracted to you or that I care about you. I just need to consider everyone involved.”

“By everyone you mean him.” Dean's voice gets deep and menacing. You can tell he is livid. You also know that he knows what you are hoping to do and that hurts you.

“I mean that I am confused about how I feel, and if I have learned anything these last few weeks it's that I need to take time and get my feelings figured out before I hurt someone more than I can repair.”

“Yeah, well good luck with that.” Dean turns to leave before you can even find the words to respond. You begin to panic not wanting to have to start over with Dean.

When he reaches the door you finally find your voice. “Dean!”

You watch as his shoulders rise and fall with an unseen deep breath. “Don’t worry. I’m not giving up, not again. I just…” He turns to look at you. “I love you too much to do that.” He studies you for a moment before turning and leaving.

You just sit there in shock staring at the door. Dean is not one to admit feelings. The vulnerability he just showed you was surprising. A nice surprise but a surprise none the less. You are not sure how to take it. One of the things that were a constant problem between you was his inability to show you vulnerability. You are now more torn than ever.

You barely have a minute to absorb everything that happened with Dean when you hear a knock on your door. Without thought assuming it’s probably Cas, you get up and walk to the door. 

Your body acts on its own as you reach up and open the door. Your mind still focused on Dean and what he said before he left. You jump back when you see who is behind the door. Your mind jolting you into the present.

“Steve.”


	13. Two Men and a Lady Pt 2 (Aftermath)

“Can I talk to you?”

“Yeah.” You nod. “I was wanting to talk to you too.” You move for him to walk into the room.

“We have a working prototype to use against Amara.”

“Really?” Your heart sinks. That means that Dean, Cas, and Sam can leave soon.

“You don’t seem happy?’ Steve tips his head down to you. “Are you okay?”

“No, you’re fine. I just…” You don’t know what to say to alleviate his suspicion. “I wasn’t expecting a solution so soon.” You offer. It wasn’t a lie just not the whole truth. You walk back into your rooms. You feel strange with Steve being here so soon after Dean had left. You look at Steve again, looking him over unsure if this was the only reason he was here. To give you a message. You hope it’s not. You want him to be there because he wants to be there with you. Not to deliver a stupid message but to see you, to talk to you.

“I am sorry about earlier.” Steve offers after a minute.

“I am too.” You answer back. SO glad that he actually is talking to you outside of work. You sit down where you were just sitting a minute ago with Dean. ‘You mean lying here kissing him, about to do a lot more.’ Your mind tells you.

Steve sits down next to you. “I talked to Castiel.” Your mind begins racing. ‘What did Cas tell him? What should I say to him.’ Your questions are answered in the next second. “Why would you try to end your life? Am I not enough to make you happy?”

“What?” You can’t even process what Steve just said to you.

“Do you not care about me at all anymore?” Your heart sinks. How can he not see how you feel? You love him more than anything. That is the only thing in your crazy life you are sure of.

“Steve, you can’t be asking me that.” You are so confused as to why he can’t see how you feel. You want to understand.

“Is that because you are with Cas now?” It sounds more like a statement than a question. “I guess I understand. I haven’t exactly been the model of support lately.”

“What? NO!” Your mind is spinning. “Where did you get that idea?”

“I mean. I have been pretty quick to anger and judgment.” You realize he thinks you are talking about his behavior and not the thought that you are with Cas.

“No, I mean why do you think Cas and I are together?”

“I saw the two of you earlier. You were…you seemed pretty together.” You look at him in confusion then start to try to piece together what he might be talking about. He must see your confusion because he adds to what he said. “I came by last night and you were asleep in bed with him, in his arms.” The hurt in Steve’s voice practically smacking you in the face.

“Oh god.” Your voice choked by your shock and pain. That is what is going on, you realize. They think you’ve moved on with Cas. You fight to say something to tell him no. To tell him that Cas was just there for you when you needed him like he always is. 

Cas is always there for you when you need him. He is the only person you’ve been able to count on over the years. The more you think about it the more you realize that maybe you need to rethink your relationships. Maybe you should expect more like what Cas is giving you. You think about Steve. He is almost always there. There are times when work gets in the way, but can you blame him for that? That is his job right?

“Steve, what Cas and I have is complicated.” You consider your next words carefully. “I care for him, he’s been a comfort for me, but I love you.”

Steve nods curtly. You try to discover what he is feeling but his face is unreadable, turned to stone. The expression the same one he wears when on a mission. You’ve seen it a hundred times. It is the one he uses when he is trying to hide his feelings.

“I don’t understand.” Steve finally whispers softly. “How can you say you love me but still say those things about him.” Steve pulls away from you b=putting a great distance between you, both physically and mentally.

“Steve, I love you. Isn’t that enough?” You plead with him; you can’t let go of Cas. Not now. Not when you are hurting so much inside, not after everything you’ve gone through. You have to make Steve understand. “Can’t we just…”

“I am not going to play these games.” Steve cuts you off irritated and angry. “You are either with me or you are not. I am not going to share you with anyone.” Steve starts backing away from you like he is a moth fighting the draw to you, a hot flame burning his wings. His back hits your door. He turns and opens it, turning back to you one last time. “When you decide who you want to be with, I will be here. You know I can wait a lifetime, I have before.” And with that, he is gone.


	14. Ugly Realities

You begin to sob. How the hell had things gone bad so quickly. One minute he was on the verge of asking you if you still loved him, and the next he is walking out the door. You can’t understand why you can’t just say the right things. Do the right things. Make this all go away. Instead, you just make it all worse.

“Ms. Y/L/N. Tony would like to see you in his lab. He has an update on your project.” You quickly wipe your eyes. Seeing the dark remnants on your fingers you decide to wash up. 

“Tell him I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

When you see yourself in the bright lights of the bathroom mirror you cringe. There are dark circles under your eyes. Your makeup is all over making you look like a deranged hooker. You sigh and turn to run a shower. When you step inside the hot water running down your body feels heavenly. You can feel the turmoil of the last few hours washing away. 

Eventually, you get out of the shower. You don’t want to leave the calming feeling of the hot water massaging away your worries but you know Tony is waiting. You bypass grabbing a towel to wrap yourself in. Instead, leaving it hanging on the hook to dry. Knowing that you are alone and head straight to the bedroom to get dressed.

You are rummaging through the bottom drawer of your dresser looking for leggings when you hear a voice very close behind you. “Are you ok?”

You just about jump out of your skin. “Cas.” You shake your head while turning to face him. “You scared the hell out of me.”

“Y/N…I…” His face is flushed, and he is looking down then again as if looking at you is too much.

“I need to go see Tony.” You say trying to move past him.

“You aren’t going like that are you?” You give him a confused look then realize that you are naked. You were so surprised by him then realized it was just him that you forgot you didn’t wrap up in a towel. You look up and quickly try to cover yourself. Cas stops you taking your hands in his.

“Don’t.” His eyes meeting yours. The gentleness there is mesmerizing. You can’t stop yourself from simply obeying him. “You have a beautiful body. Don’t even feel like you need to hide it from me.” You feel your face becoming flush with the compliment.

“But…” your voice is soft, weak. “I need…” 

“I know,” Cas says softly. Your eyes are drawn to his lips as the words come out of them. You can’t help yourself as you feel yourself studying them as if they held all the mysteries of the world. Then your mind tells yourself they probably do. He is an angel who has lived since the dawn of man. “Your duties call you.” Cas steps back giving you space while breaking you from your trance.

“I…yeah.” You stutter then step around him over the bed where you start to dress. Cas walks over to you and hands you leggings. 

“These would match your shirt best.” He smiles handing you the pants you forgot to get.

You take them from him and blush. “Thank you.”

“I would like to come with you when you talk to Mr. Stark.” Cas waits to hear if you are going to object, but you don’t. “I need to know if this is going to work. It would be nice to not have to use Dean as a delivery mechanism if we can avoid it.”

“I agree.” You say reaching for the pants he is holding out to you. “I would rather not lose anyone in this mission.”

Cas smiles at you. You look at him confused. “What?” You aren’t sure why he is smiling. You could possibly lose someone in the fight with Amara and he’s smiling?

“You called this a mission, not a hunt.”

“I did?” You never even gave any thought to the words you were using. “Huh? Why does that make you smile?”

“I never realized you have assimilated into the life of a soldier so completely. It shows how much you moved on from Dean.” Cas is looking into your eyes as if he is looking into your soul. You squirm a bit, feeling like you are an exhibit in a museum.

“I…I never thought about it. I just…” You are struggling to find the right words. “I just adapted my vernacular. It doesn’t change who I am.” You defend yourself but you are not sure why or what from.

“Doesn’t it?” Cas cocks his eyebrow at you, and you turn away avoiding his gaze. You don’t want him seeing inside you anymore. You distract yourself by trying to find your shoes. Cas simply stands still watching you. You can feel his eyes following you. You quickly slip on your shoes, finally having found them near the sofa, one of them underneath and one laying in front.

“Well, let’s go see what Tony has for us.” You say as you finish tying the laces on your shoe. You stand up and glance over to Cas. He nods and follows you to the door.

The two of you make your way to Tony’s lab ins comfortable silence. Your mind rolling over everything that happened today. You keep running your thoughts through your head over and over. Your situation with Steve and Dean, whatever it is that is happening between you and Cas. It is all so confusing. You tell yourself to talk to Nat later and ask her what she thinks you should do.

When you get to the lab Cas grabs the door opening it for you. You smile up at him and walk in with him following close behind you. Inside you find the rest of your group along with Steve, Nat, and Clint. Your smile faltering realizing that you are not ready to face this.

Cas must since your apprehension because be froe you can retreat you feel his hand on the small of your back gently guiding you forward. The gesture is comforting at first but then it reminds you of Steve and you stiffen up. Your eyes darting to Steve who is starting at where Cas’s forearm is disappearing behind your back. You divert your eyes over to Dean. Dean’s jaw is clenching so hard you think his jaw might dislocate. 

At first, you want to move away from Cas, to put some distance between the two of you before they get the wrong idea, but then you change your mind. They both were acting like territorial Neanderthals towards you. You have not committed to either one of them anymore, Steve made sure of that. So, you do that exactly the opposite, letting yourself lean into the touch a bit. 

After another moment passes, you turn and smile at Cas before walking over to Tony with purpose and confidence you did not have. Completely avoiding the looks of the others in the room, keeping your eyes only on Tony you speak. “Tony, what did you come up with?”

“Well…” Tony stands a bit taller. His voice getting authoritative, you can tell he is proud of what he has come up with. “Remember Ultron?”

“As if we could forget!” Steve grinds out. You look over at Steve, instantly regretting it. He is staring dagger at you.

“Tony, I don’t think revisiting the Ultron fiasco is a good idea,” Nat adds.

“Ultron taught us something.” He pauses to see if anyone picks up where he is going. When no one else responds he continues. “Dr. Cho?” He looks around again. This time you start to follow his thoughts.

“You want to use the cradle.” Your voice quiet in contemplation. “Would that work?”

“I don’t see why not? We just need genetic material for the epidermis.” Tony answers with a shrug.

“Wait! Are you talking about cloning Dean?” Sam asks now in disbelief.

“Cloning…no,” Tony replies turning to Sam. “More like replicating.”

“Hey wait a minute!” Dean speaks up. “No one is making a mini-me!”

Tony rolls his eyes at Dean. “Nor would we want to.” Tony finishes.

“Dean, I think what Tony is saying is we create an android-like body but use your DNA to create the skin for the outside of it.” You look to Tony for confirmation. When Tony nods slightly you continue. “That way no one is put in danger.”

“I don’t think Amara will be fooled by ...” Cas starts but is interrupted by Dean.

“She will know it’s a fake before I even get into the room.” Dean pauses then looks at you. He doesn’t want to make this admission with you there, but he needs to let Tony know how he knows a fake him won't work. “We have a connection. We can sense each other.”

“Sense each other how? Telekinetically?” You ask without even realizing the words are coming out of your mouth.

“No, I don’t know. Maybe?” Dean stammers. “I just know that when I had to face fake her, I knew it wasn’t her. I assume she’ll be able to sense it too.”

“Oh…” You say then look down. You think about that kind of connection. How close it would make you feel, vulnerable. “So what? We just let you go to your death?”

“YES!” Dean blurts out. “I was ready to do that before, but you wanted to try another way. Well, there is no other way.” Dean charges across the room towards you. Cas and Steve both instinctively step in your direction to protect you. Dean stops inches from you. “I know you don’t want to face it, but we all have to go some time. I’ve made peace with it a long time ago. Hell, I’ve died more times than anyone.”

Your eyes are locked on Deans. You miss the looks everyone gives Dean at his words. “Dean, I refuse to believe there is no other way.”

“Y/N, I hate to say this, but I think Dean’s right this time.” Sam steps closer his voice low. You can tell he is trying to defuse the situation and let you down easy on the fact that Dean may just have to die.

“I can’t believe you.” You spin on Sam. “You of all people know there is always another way.” You can feel tears spilling from your eyes. Rather than let them see your tears you run from the room. You are done with losing people. You are done with worrying about what the others will think of you. You are not going to sit there and listen to them talk about giving up. Talk about sacrificing someone. You are going to find another way.


	15. Crossroads

You charge past a few other workers most of who you don’t recognize. They give you a look when you don’t even bother excusing yourself as your rush jostles a few of them. You don’t feel like you can breathe. Your brain is full of fear and anger. How could he do this? You were here to save him! He has no right to just…just… You can’t even find a word for it you’re so mad. You shove the doors leading to the outside of the compound hard.

You start running the second you see the opening. You don’t stop until you fee hit the wooden promenade. You lean up against the railing catching your breath looking out over the lake. After a minute you look to the left and walk slowly over to the gazebo needing to take a break and sit for a minute. 

When you get inside the gazebo you drop down, emotionally drained. You sigh looking around you. The anger you were feeling dissipated into sadness. Looking out over the lake you see storm clouds moving in fast. The once sunny day begins turning dark fast. 

“Typical. I can’t even enjoy a sunny day.” You mumble to yourself. You can’t do anything good. You can’t stop Dean from dying. You can’t convince Steve you love him. You can’t even…You can’t even admit how you feel about Cas. You are startled by your own thoughts. Do I have feelings for Cas? I mean I did have that short affair, but…For the first time, you realize that there was something more to your relationship with Cas than you originally admitted, even to yourself. What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can’t do anything about it! You love Steve! “DAMN IT!” you punch the railing.

“Are you okay? I saw you running, and you seemed upset?”

You close your eyes, cursing the luck that seems to have left you. “I’m fine…just…” You don’t even know what to say that will make sense.

“You are crying. From what I know of humans and their emotions that is usually not a good thing.”

“Cas…I just. Did you know Dean is intent on killing himself?” You try to change the subject. “He is intent on facing Amara and I can’t do anything to stop him.”

“Y/N,” Cas walks closer sitting next to you. “You can’t save anyone from themselves.” He reaches out brushing a tear from your cheek. “Not unless they want to be saved.”

“I can’t just sit here and wait for him to die.” You mutter, beginning to cry in earnest.

“We aren’t. We will do everything we can to stop this.” You study his face. When did it get so close to mine? You look deeper into his eyes. The crystalline blue of his eye is pure, whereas Steve’s blue has hints of turquoise. You feel his breath caressing your lips. Unconsciously you wet them while your eyes drop to his lips. You study his lips as they move time slowing in your mind. You look at the pink of them and the way they curve as he forms words. “I will do everything I can to stop him. You have my promise.” His last words have you looking up at him. You feel your eyes tearing up again. Then his lips brush against yours, soft and sensual.

The feeling sending you back into time. Back to when Cas and you were together. Right after Dean and you had finally ended it. He left to go to the bar, and you were left crying. Cas comforted you that night, and you let him. You fell into him and you became more. Is that what is happening now? Are you returning to old habits? Is that what Cas is? Is he an old habit?

Before you can answer yourself, you hear footsteps on the promenade. They are moving closer. You panic, pushing Cas away. Cas moves back if he is hurt you don’t see it. All you see is acceptance and understanding.

“Cas…” You want to apologize. But you don’t get the time.

“I have been looking for you.” Sam starts as he steps closer. “Dean left.”

“What?” You jump up. “What do you mean he left?”

“He said something about finishing this so you can go home.” Sam runs his hand over his head and through his hair.

“Dammit!” You yell spinning on your heel away from them. What the hell is he thinking? He can’t do anything without the spell? Did he even…? You turn around your anger focused on Sam. “Did he get Rowena to cast the spell?”

“Y/N…I didn’t know.”

“TELL ME!”

“You let him…” You feel defeated, weak. Your knees give out and you fall into Cas's arms. Your mind already having decided that Dean is gone. “You killed…” You start sobbing uncontrollably. Cas pulls you u and into him. You bury your face into Cas’s chest not wanting anyone to see your tears.

“Sam, I think it would be best if I get her to her room,” Cas says softly his voice making his chest vibrate. The sound and feeling soothing to you. You wrap your arms up and around his neck nuzzling into him.

“Cas, we need to find Dean.” Sam’s voice is desperate, making you feel guilty for blaming him. You know Dean and you know that when he sets his mind on something no one is going to stop him. He had planned on doing this from the beginning. 

You want to say something. You want to tell him to go find him. You want to apologize for yelling at him. You want to do a lot of things, but you can’t. You are too drained emotionally, you are shut down. All you can do is cling to Cas, to the safety his arms give you.

“We can deal with Dean once I get Y/N comfortable,” Cas tells Sam his voice firm, leaving little room for compromise. Cas walks away with you in his arms, Sam watching the both of you leave.

After the two of you are a good distance away Sam pulls out his phone. He dials a number and after a minute it is picked up. “She’s with Cas.”

“Of course, she is. Any word on your brother?”

“No, she didn’t know where he was either.”

“Damn it.” He starts pacing the room. “Well, I guess if the big lug wants to get himself killed who are we to stop him. Just come on back I’ll have FRIDAY track him. We can still salvage this.”

“What about Steve?”

“I can deal with Steve. Let’s just focus on one problem at a time.”


	16. Behind the Scenes

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Rowena asks Dean. “The lass can’t want this. You should at least try to do this her way.”

“We don’t have time. Have you looked outside?” He points to the window of the almost completely abandoned tavern. Rowena glances over her shoulder knowing what she is going to see. The sky is dark, at a glance you’d think it was a storm rolling in, but they knew better.

“You can’ be with her if you're dead,” Crowley speaks up. The kindness in his words drawing Dean’s attention. “What? I have layers!” Crowley exclaims when everyone looks at him as if he grew a third head.

“Of course, you do Fergus.” Rowena coos, the tone undeniably condescending.

“Whatever. I don’t think she wants to be with me anyway.”

“She does seem pretty taken by the tall blonde lad. Strapping one that one is. If he wasn’t so taken with your girl, I would have a go.”

“Mother!” Crowley cries out.

“What?” She glares at Crowley. “Dean already knows about her affinity for the lad. I was just stating the obvious.”

“Not helping!” Dean growls taking a long pull of the bottle of bourbon he took from Tony’s bar. “Can we just get this over with?”

“How are you going to find her? Once this is placed you won’t have long to find her.”

“I won’t need to. She’ll come to me.”

“You are sure of this?” Rowena asks as she finishes her preparations.

“We have a bond, remember?” Dean slurs a bit. “Crowley, you remember, right? She turned against you when you were playing Daddy Warbucks.” Crowley shoots him a killing glare and sips on his scotch.

Rowena looks between the two men raising an eyebrow then shakes her head. “Well, the spell is ready if you are.”

“Good.” Deans’ eyes stay on Crowley. “Let’s get this over with.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“I don’t like this!” Steve is pacing the floor in front of Tony who is lounging on the sofa, a glass of scotch in hand.

“We’ll just add that to the long extensive list of things you don’t like, right with up there with pornography and swearing.”

“Tony this is not a time to joke.”

“Why not?” Tony says more indignant. “You should be happy. Your competition is offering himself up as a golden goose to the slaughter. With him gone you and the lovely Y/N can ride off into the sunset.” Tony finishes off his drink and leans over, reaching for the bottle from the coffee table.

“This is not how I wanted it to happen.” Steve can’t admit the thought crossed has crossed his mind. With Dean gone it would hurt you, but you would be his once the hurt was gone. HE would be there to help you pick up the pieces. ‘Damn it.’ Steve curses himself. ‘You know what you can’t let that happen. If you did that it would make you no better, than the men you fight.’

“But you are struggling with it.” Tony points out. “I can see it. Finally, there is a flaw in that perfect person you pretend to be.”

“Tony, don’t push me.” Steve almost growls.

“Why not. Maybe if you let that dark side out, you’d actually get what you want.” Tony’s voice is firmer, frustrated. Can’t Steve see he is trying to help him? “You look ridiculous. You’re a super soldier and some clown in flannel stole your girl away. You’re better than that and it’s about time you realized that.”

“That’s the difference between us. I am not a manipulative bastard.”

“Ouch, that hurt.” Tony feigns hurt. “I must have hit a nerve.” He jokes and takes another drink his eyes on Steve waiting for a reaction. 

Steve is about to say something when something catches his attention. His eyes draw to the hall near the common room. Tony’s eyes follow Steve’s seeing Cas walking on the far side of the open stairs You in his arms. Your face buried in his neck and your arms tightly wrapped around his neck.

“I’ll be damned.” Tony mumbles, amused. “Who knew she had a type.” 

Steve spins on Tony. “Just do your part!” He storms off determined to get you back even if he has to go through the angel to do it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

“Cas.” You whisper against him as he carries you from the elevator to your room. “I cry too much.”

“You have a lot to cry about.”

“I should be helping.” You try to maintain your emotions for a minute. “I should be trying to stop Dean.”

“You know no one can stop Dean when he has his mind set on something. The best one can do is try to convince him not to.”

“Then I should be trying to get Steve back.” Your answer is more definite. Cas stills for a second. He takes in a deep breath. He looks down at you. Hearing your words hurts him. He thought for sure you were letting go. Letting them go finally, but you weren’t. You still yearned for Steve and Dean. You still hadn’t abandoned them yet.

“You should be trying to rest and get yourself in a better place,” Cas says softly. “Let them see what they are missing. They have no idea what they are losing in their foolish pride-filled battle.”

“I think they don’t care.” You huff, frustration filling your mind.

“They do, but they're too focused on their little tiff to care.” Cas finishes. Reaching the door. He shifts you slightly to open the door.

“You can put me down.” You giggle.

“I could,” Cas says fiddling with the door then opening it. “But then I wouldn’t be holding you. I like you where you are.” He leans down kissing you on the forehead.

“You are too good to me.” You smile, then wrap your arms tighter around him, letting yourself enjoy the pampering.

“I am not good enough.” Cas taps the door closed behind him. “You deserve more than this earth can provide.” His voice whispers against your ear. Before you can reply he lays you lightly down on the bed. “Now rest you have had a lot to deal with today.” He pulls away and you immediately miss the warmth of him. The scent of rain after a storm filling you. The light scent was relaxing and now it’s gone.

“Don’t…” You try to stand but get dizzy. “Shit!”

Cas is there instantly. He helps you to get up. “Here let me fluff your pillows.” He starts to prop your pillows up then pulls back your blanket. “Here, you settle in and I'll go get you some juice and soup. I don’t believe you’ve eaten at all today.”

You look down and slowly climb into bed. “No, I haven’t I…” You realize that day is almost over.

“I will be back.”

“But Dean?!? You said you were going to help him.”

“I m Sam is trying to locate him. And when he does, he and I will go and try to stop him.”

“Good.” You try to pretend that you are in control, but you are far from it. Your mind is in shambles, as are your emotions. “I can’t let him die. Not with how we left everything.”  
Cas sits next to you. He takes your hand in his. “I know.” He kisses it softly. “I just wish you could pull yourself away to see how much you are allowing yourself to be hurt.” Then he stands. “I’ll go get your juice and soup.”

You can’t speak the whiplash of his changing demeanor throwing you off-kilter. You just drop back into the bed letting the soft pillows and comforter envelope you in a cloud. You close your eyes hearing the bedroom door then the outside door open and close. You sigh. The weight of your day crushing leaving you as you let yourself drift off to more pleasant thoughts. 

After a few moments, you hear the door to your apartment opening and closing again. You smile. You readjust to sit up, readying yourself for your little pick-me-up. You put on your brightest smile when the bedroom door opens. A smile that falters for a moment when the last person you expected steps through.

“Well, hello Princess. You have the boys in quite a conundrum don’t you?”


	17. What now?

“Crowley, I am not in the mood for snark.” You groan. He gives you a look of shocked hurt. You scoff. “Why are you here?”

“Well…” He steps inside your place and closes the door. “I thought you’d want to know how boy toy #2 is doing.” He walks closer then stops about a foot from where you sit on your bed. “But then to my surprise, I saw feathers leaving here and I thought to myself, ‘Self. What is the angel doing with our bleeding-heart damsel?’ Then it occurred to me. Our angel in a trench coat has taken up the mantel of Boy toy #3. Am I right?” he finishes with a quirk of his eyebrow.

You know that he is onto something. You may not be willing to go down that road with Cas again, but you can’t deny that the feelings you had for him are still there. He was there for you when you needed someone. He and Sam were both there if you were, to be honest, but Sam tried to stand up for Dean. You couldn’t put him in the position to pick sides. Sam was your friend, but he was Dean’s brother first and foremost. 

Cas on the other hand. Cas and Dean were already on the outs. This time it was from the aftermath of the leviathan and Cas’s poor life choices and decision making in Dean’s eyes. Dean’s alienation of Cas made him the best choice to be your crutch. “No.” You try to convince him, but your voice is hardly convincing. “He’s just helping me get through a rough spot.” You try to offer as an explanation but sound even less convincing.

“I am sure he is.” He starts poking around your living area. Crowley purrs, you hate him right now. Not because he is bothering you while you are trying to push past the emotional wreck that you became today, but because he is putting words to feelings that you want to keep buried in the past. “Boytoy one told me all about you little love triangle. Although he must not be good a geometry because it is more of a love square isn’t it?” He stops poking through your stuff. “Don’t you have anything to drink in this bloody place?” he turns to you, a tinge of impatience.

“There is a bar down the hall.” You answer curtly. “You’re welcome to go get a drink and not come back.” You snark.

“Ouch.” Crowley smiles back at you. “I would darling, but then you wouldn’t know what happened to lover boy.”

“What do you know?” Your heart begins racing. “Is he okay?”

“I could tell you, but I think you’d rather see for yourself.” Crowley gives you his classic half-grin. You get up, the dizziness not as bad this time but you still move slowly to keep your bearings.

“Just give me a second.” You take in some deep breaths.

“You alright luv?” Crowley actually sounds concerned, which makes you concerned. 

“I just. I’ve been feeling a bit lightheaded today.” He steps forward to help steady you. You give him a slight smile.

“When did you become a gentleman?”

“Luv, you’d be surprised at how charming I can be when I want to.” He says softly.

“What are you doing here?” Cas growls from the door to your suite. He has a tray in his hands. His eyes bouncing between the two of you.

“Hello, Halo.” Crowley steps back and smiles briefly before becoming serious again. “I was just popping in to tell our little hummingbird here that her other lover is alive and well and waiting for her.”

“She cannot go anywhere until she eats something. She needs sustenance or she will faint.” Cas says dismissively carrying your tray over toward you. “Come sit, you need to eat.”  
“But Dean…” You want to go to him, but you don’t want to disappoint him. For some reason, you have never been able to disappoint him without hurting yourself deeply.

“Dean would want you to take care of yourself. He’ll be there are you eat.” Cas looks To Crowley for some help.

“Yes, Luv I agree with the angel. You aren’t any good to squirrel if you pass out on him.” Crowley shoots Cas a ‘see I helped’ look.

“Is Dean really ok?”

“Yes, luv, he…the situation was resolved, complicated, but resolved.”

You nod. And move back over to your bed. You climb onto it laying against the headboard. Cas places the tray in front of you then moves around then climbs onto the other side of the bed next to you. He sits up watching as you eat. 

Crowley’s gaze bounces between the two of you then he clears his throat. “I’ll…I will go and tell Deano that you’ll be a bit luv.” Before you can respond he disappears.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Steve is heading to your room when he sees Cs stepping out of it and heading into the opposite direction. He debates for a minute weather he should go in to see you or follow the angel. After a minute he decides to go straight to the source. He follows Cas into the kitchen.

“What are you doing with Y/N?”

“I am not doing anything with her at the moment.” Cas continues searching the kitchen for your favorite soup. Steve can’t decide what is making him more pissed. The fact that Cas is acting so glib about your relationship with Cas or the fact that Cas is basically ignoring him.

“What kinds of game are you playing?” Steve in a bit more forceful now he steps closer to Cas.

Cas keeps preparing your soup. “I am not playing any games. That is the difference.” Once he turns on the heat to warm your soup, he turns to find Steve two feet from him. “I am just taking care of her. I am giving her what she needs, not doing what I need. THAT is what love is. Not ownership. Not possession, but nurturing, caring and devotion.

“Are you kidding me?” Steve chokes. “How can you even know what romantic love is? You’re an Angel?!? Aren’t you supposed to be pure? Celibate?” Steve scoffs.

“Your childhood stories are not fully accurate.” Cas pours your soup into a bowl for you, grabs you some crackers tossing them into a small dessert dish, and after adding your glass of orange juice. “Now if you’ll excuse me Y/N needs some food. She has had a very emotional straight day and hasn’t eaten. She needs food and rest.” Cas moves around him and heads back to your room.

Steve stands still unsure if he should follow or just give you time to rest. HE knows that you were pretty upset when you left that morning and with how busy he was during the day between checking in on what Tony was doing and covering all the other operations under SHIELD he didn’t really have time to try to find her.

After another moments thought he decides to hell with it and heads toward her room. He reaches the hall toward the wing of your room when Sam catches up to him. “Hey man. I’ve been trying to find you. Fury wants us to go check on an explosion by the harbor.”

“Send some agents I’m busy.” Steve dismisses Sam.

“They did. The team went black.” He looks Steve in the eyes, making sure the gravity is not lost on Steve. We’re plan “B”.” Sam adds.

“Damn it.” Steve looks down the hall to where your room is. “Fine, wheels up in 5.” He turns around to go get his gear.


End file.
